History of The Decline & Fall of the Intel Empire

How Goths battered on the doors of Satan Clara

Here we need give little heed to the ancient legend that the Roamin' Empire, now known as Intel, was founded on the seven hills of Silicon Valley, or that its legendary founders Robert Noyculus and Gordon Moorulus, were nurtured in 1968 by a semiconductor wolf called Fairchild.

However, the Empire, in deference to its legendary founders, dates its origin from 1968 and designated as Year Zero in all the scrolls and manuscripts which survived the subsequent conflagrations.

We are, rather, concerned here, with the time when the Republic became an Empire, headed up by Andronicus Paranoidicus Inflexionus Grovus, and how it sought to become a worldwide force, sending out its crack legions, each of which fought under the banner of Intel Inside, the better to subdue and conquer the armies of Goth King Vilhelm Jeremiah Sanders III, who ruled over a large territory called Advancedmicrodevicus and his vandal ally Cyrix.

In the early years of the third decade of the Roamin' Empire, the legions of Intel Inside made big inroads into the land of these barbarians. One small tribe, headed by a warrior lord called King Eckhard Pfeiffer I, stood up to the legions briefly, but eventually the troops of Andronicus swamped this small region of Germany known as Compaq, and its proud leader was taken back and paraded down the Via Mission Boulevardicus, and forced to pay tribute to the Emperor of the World.

But Caesar Andronicus Paranoidicus Inflexionus did not have it all his own way. His proud town Pentium FDIV was ravaged by a flaw in a volcano, leading to the loss of half a billion Intel Inside brave bucks. Shortly after this catastrophe, and grief-stricken by the loss, Andronicus assumed the honorific title Inflexionus, and set down his thoughts in a scroll entited Only The Paranoidicus Survives.

He then handed over the day-to-day running of battles to Caesar Craigus Logcabinus Barrettus, his favoured successor, who, with his generals Paulus Ottelini I and Pat Kickingus Gelsingerus IV prepared to stamp out the barbarian threat once and for all with the aid of Persian King Rambus I.

The Goths, under King Vilhelm III, continued to ravage the troops of Andronicus by striking alliances with King Cyrix and to a lesser extent King Centaur, leading to a battle at the gates of ancient city Socket VII, at which Goths and Visigoths alike were forced to return to their lairs by new a Roamin' Empire general called Slot I and his son Slot II.

But this defeat merely served to stiffen King Vilhelm's resolve against the Roamin' Empire. He prepared secret weapons of his own and amassed his troops at Fabricus XXX, close to modern day Dresden, in Germany. Under generals K-Sextius II and his son K-Sextius III, Vilhelm sought the aid of Scythian King Athlon VII, and prepared to invade.

Soon, Vilhelm III and King Athlon "The Pentium Killer" the Seventh, would be knocking on the doors of the Roamin' Empire, aided by cohorts of his eastern ally Via Technologicus, casting motherboards and chips, each with pins and sockets, against the walls of Satan Clara... (to be continued) ®