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BOFH for hire on Starship Enterprise

The episode you never saw

Episode 19 BOFH2000: Episode 19 (THE EPISODE YOU NEVER SAW)

"Captain's Log, Start Date Twenty Nine point two point thirty six, twenty four, thirty six, Mmmm Mmm. Following some problems with the ship's computer we've travelled back in time and space to the planet Earth during the early 21st century and beamed aboard an expert who may be able to help us with our problems."

- - - - - - -

So I wake up on the Enterprise, and it's so obviously a dream I don't even bother thinking of something so horrible (i.e. a career in Telemarketing) that it'll force me awake. I decide to run with it for a bit and see how it goes. I do, however, pause to see if I'm wearing skintight mustard and black fatigues - in case it's a nightmare.

Luckily, no.

"Welcome aboard," Kirk smiles, walking up to the transporter and extending his hand.

"Thanks, Captain," I reply, slipping off his space age watch mid-shake, "and I'd just like to say how much I like those uniforms."

"Really?" Kirk responds happily.

"Yes, not very much at all. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Well it's something to do with the guidance systems - Every time we go into orbit around a planet the ship seems to veer off on a tangent."

"Like your show, you mean?"


"Nothing. So it's a guidance system problem?"

"Yes. I expect it's a loose wire or something"

"Get a lot of that do you?"

"Not really, come to think of it..." Kirk responds

"And it's not something trivial like Spock spilling a cup of Bovril down the back of his console, or someone pressing a lot of the wrong buttons when they're thrown around during a mid-space battle?

"No, we checked all that."

"Ok. And no one's performed any upgrades on anything?"


"So what's Spock doing with that box of floppies?"

"I was attempting to install a vendor certified diagnostic package designed to determine the true cause of the malfunction by a process of strategic elimi.." Spock burbles, before I cut him off mid-stream.

"If that's Service Pack 6 I'm leaving right now!"

After a few mumbled denials I agree to give the ship the old technical fish eye...

"Uh, That's the coffee maker."

"Of course it is, but I prefer the holistic approach to computer maintenance - every part being interconnected, and therefore reflecting on the whole. Besides, I always think better after an Espresso."

"Expresso? Uh, we only have instant!.."

Perhaps it's a nightmare after all.

"..and what were you saying about Holistics?"

"Well, take this coffee maker for instance. See the brown sludge collecting in the drain tray and the way the steamer looks really clogged?"


"Well it's quite possible that your crucial guidance systems are clogged in much the same manner"

"By coffee?"

"No, but by leftovers from poorly executed maintenance."

"I hardly think..."

"Look at the grime on those dilithium crystals!"

"They're not dilithium crystals, that's our dinner - it's just not been hydrated!"

"If you tell me that's a kebab with a side of chips and I'm going to puke!"

. . . six hours later. . .

"Ok, I'll need a RAM Removal tool, an Earthing Strap, a sonic screwdriver, a .."

"A sonic screwdriver?"

"My mistake, wrong programme - a demagnetised head flat blade screwdriver with internal AC detecting Neon"

"Sorry, we don't have one of those" Scotty murmurs, rolling up with toolkit in hand.

"What about Swiss Army knife and Panelbeating hammer?"

"Can do!"

. . . Ten Minutes Later . . .

"Right, that should about do her," I cry slamming the cover of one of the nastiest jobs I've done since I used an orbital sander to clean some tape heads.

"So what now?" Kirk asks.

"Well, run her up and see how she performs."

. . . Another 10 minutes later . . .

"Well she seems to be taking the orbit ok now," Scotty murmurs, looking up from his instruments "..although I AM getting a overtemperature reading from the navigation motherboard."

"Oh, that'll just be the duck tape holding the fan giving way. She should be ok so long as we don't run into a..."

"METEOR SHOWER, ship taking autopilot evasive action" Spock cries.

"... ah, well, there you go then. If you could just teleport me back down to earth ASAP, that would be Sterling Moss."

"No can do," Kirk yells "Scotty, get us out of here, full power reverse!! "

"IF I GIVE HER ANY MORE SHE'S GOING TO BLOW!" Scotty yells excitedly.

"No, I think she's going to blow anyway!" I cry stepping into the transporter and pressing the "Reverse Co-ordinates" button...

. . .

What a strange dream.

Still, at least I have this cool space age watch... ®

BOFH is the Bastard Operator From Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his copyright

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