Are you BOFH Engineer Material – Part 2

The Bastard wants you for a new recruit

Episode 29 BOFH 2000: Episode 29

So you

still want to be an engineer, eh?

Not put off by the compulsory lobotomy, the fashion-victim slacks? Well, this should sort out your destiny once and for all.

1. You've just replaced a bit of dud kit in a client's machine. The old part will be:

A. Sent back to the manufacturer to determine what went wrong
B. Left in your "Dead Parts" store
C. Chucked into the Bin
D. Left on a table with other, similar, WORKING parts
E. Shoved in a bag with a "Serviced Used Part" sticker on the side

2. Ohms law says that two resistors in series:
A. Are equal to three resistors of the same amount, in parallel
B. Cost more than one resistor
C. Are longer than one resistor
D. Are equal to the value of the root of the sum of the squares of the other two sides
E. Require more soldering that one resistor (or two in parallel) and so therefore can be charged a greater labour fee

3. "No questions asked replacement Policy" means:

A. We will replace a faulty part immediately, for any reason, without question
B. We will replace a faulty part - if it is faulty, immediately, for any reason without question
C. We'll replace any part that is faulty, and untampered, without question
D. We won't ask which part - we'll just replace something
E. The customer isn't allowed to ask questions - like: "When's my part going to arrive?", "Hello, is this the hardware support people?"

4. Ninety per cent of a particular disk release has failed. This would tend to suggest:

A. The units are unreliable
B. There may be a service issue with the device, or how they're configured
C. The clients abuse the units
D. Aliens have been infiltrating our air space and destroying the units (because they're so good)
E. It's a government conspiracy - they're installing clipper chips in the new ones

5. A machine you're working on fails boot diagnostics for no apparent reason. This is probably because:

A. There is a low-level fault with the system leading to no diagnostic message
B. There's a fault in the diagnostics themselves
C. The kit may - now don't quote me on this - be faulty
D. You didn't shake your lucky rabbit's foot three times before you powered the kit on.
E. You're going to have to replace all the shiny things you stole from the kit

6. You have a bit of a mishap and set a client's machine room on fire. You:

A. Apologise profusely and call your company's insurer
B. Apologise for their kit failing in that manner, and call the CLIENT'S insurer
C. Tell them to call their insurer
D. Remove all evidence that you have ever been to the site
E. C, charge for your fire-fighting time, sue for emotional stress, and take three months-off traumatic leave

7. Your company markets a HOT SITE recovery service. This is:

A. 24 hour, 7 day machine room to recover a client's systems
B. Next day recovery of client's systems, depending on availability
C. B, if you're using the same ancient hardware that we keep on our hot site
D. C, and have all your data on 300bpi 9-track tapes
E. We leave the heaters on at the office and have a couple of Pentium 80s you can hire on an hourly basis

8. A client rings you about cancelling the maintenance contract on a piece of their kit. You:

A. Take the information and cancel the maintenance
B. Take the information and cancel the maintenance after the agreed three month cancellation notice period
C. B, and charge the client a maintenance modification fee of up to nine months maintenance charge
D. Send them a maintenance cancellation form, in the mail, addressed to their company, in Peru
E. D, then eventually B, then re-instate the maintenance at the beginning of the next maintenance calendar year - when they'd least expect it

9. You visit a site and see a POWER SUPPLY FAIL light glowing brilliantly. You know you don't have one in stock, and also that your maintenance agreement
states that you must have a replacement unit within six hours. You:

A. Get one shipped in from where-ever, at ANY cost
B. Tell the customer and ask them to bear with you
C. Tell the customer and credit them for the inconvenience
D. Do a "Preventative Maintenance" site visit to another site and STEAL a replacement Power Supply
E. Tell the client it's a lamp failure and disconnect it

10. You're servicing a piece of kit and realise that your earthing strap has disappeared from your kit. You:

A. Tell the customer and go back to the office and get a replacement
B. Tell the customer the problem was worse than you thought and pop back to the office for a new one
C. See if the customer has a replacement to save time
D. Clamp the metal frame of the device firmly with one hand and continue working
E. Pretend you have one on. They're overrated anyway. Juggle some memory chips whilst running around some carpet in your nylon slacks while you're at it

Marking? Prizes? - Didn't we do that last week? ®

BOFH: Kit and Caboodle
That's right, the whole shebang

BOFH is the Bastard Operator from Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don’t mess with his copyright.