Episode 33 BOFH2000: Episode 33
So I get into work - very early for a change - and am swiping myself through the door, when... nothing happens. Retrying the swipe card isn't notably useful either. Around now I feel it's time to bring security into the game by tapping on the glass and waking them from their productive sleep.
Having had dealings with IT in the past, they let me in and I wander up to Mission Control, only to find I can't get into my area either. Using plan B, I open the release box and remove the breakglass to let myself in.
15 minutes later security rolls up to respond to the emergency.
"Card wouldn't work" I mumble, showing the offending item to him "must be stuffed!"
"No I checked that before you came, the register says that you don't work here any more..." Security mumbles apologetically "..which means that I have to ask you to, ah.. if you want a coffee?"
"That'd be lovely - Black no Sugar please"
. . .
An hour later, when personnel arrives, the mystery is discovered. It would appear that everyone whose contract rolls over in July is automatically presumed to be departed if they don't renew their contract (as opposed to get a new and more lucrative one) by the same day number in September.
"It's just a little foible of the program!" I'm assured by the Fielding, the personnel helpdesk person whose only practical experience of programmes would be Coronation Street.
"So when will it be fixed?"
"Well that's the tricky bit - as you're no longer working for us officially, you can't request an update - we need a more superior member of staff to vouch for you.."
"Superior in what way?" I ask.
"Higher up the ladder."
"Corporate or Evolutionary?"
"So you want my boss to give you a ring?"
"Uh, it has to be done in writing."
"And if my boss is out of the office?"
"Away with my Boss on a Junket.."
"Do you know the CEO?" he smirks audibly.
"Well, we've reached an impasse then haven't we?" he declares smugly. "It's more than my job's worth to falsify records."
"Would that were the case for everyone in the building," I respond.
"..There we go, the database now reflects that myself - and my offsider, who also appeared to have departed - are back on the contracting Payroll."
"Well I'm sorry but I can't..."
"Of course you can't" >clickety click< "Ohmigoodness, I've just typed DROP EMP!"
"It's ok!" he cries quickly. "No harm done, so long as you don't type COMMIT."
"Ok, typed COMMIT like you said, what now?"
There's a pause while some similar clickety noises and the sound of a return key being hit with increasing ferocity occur.
"I said: 'DON'T TYPE COMMIT!'" he gasps in horror. "We'll have to do a roll back!!!"
"Can't roll it back, it's committed!" I respond, with similar mock horror.
"Can't do that either!'
"Why not, we've got backups!?!?!"
"We have, but we don't have DBA's - they don't TECHNICALLY work here any more!"
"You'll have to do it!"
"Well I COULD do it I suppose, but..."
"Well, you don't work here any more - TECHNICALLY - so I can't really accept a request for recovery from you."
"But you KNOW I work here. Just add me back to the database!"
"I think we may have reached that impasse again..." I respond.
"Well it's more than my job's worth to falsify records!"
"BUT YOU JUST DID IT BEFORE!!!"
"Yes, but I wasn't WORKING here TECHNICALLY then, remember - now I'm back and have a job at risk!"
"You're just as gone as I am!"
"Yes, but actually NO. Contractors aren't in the EMP table.."
"But I SUPPOSE if you could get a more superior member of staff to vouch for you.."
"In the EMP table.."
"EMP table - Do you know the CEO?"
"Well that exhausts the Corporate Ladder. Let's try Evolutionary. Do you have a goldfish at work?"
"What about... an Assistant IT Professional?"
"My offsider for instance."
"Yes, would he vouch for me?!??"
"Well can you give him a ring?"
"Uh, I THINK I'll be needing the verification in writing."
"I'll write it and give it to him!"
"We're very particular about the verification.."
"It should be written on 50 pound notes. Four of them.."
"Yes, well spotted! Best you hurry along though, wouldn't want to miss the Bank Opening and get locked out of the building, or worse still, have to submit to a strip search as a non-employee roaming the building...."
. . .
20 minutes and one strip search later (couldn't resist the call) the PFY and I are a ton richer.
"Right!" I cry when Fielding rings back ."So recovery is complete and everything's back to normal."
"I, Uh," Fielding responds, "OK."
"That's OK, don't mention it!" I cry, disconnecting.
>UPDATE EMP SET STATE = 0 WHERE SURNAME='FIELDING' AND FIRSTNAME='PAUL'<</b>
"Hello security? I think that bloke's back again...."
BOFH: Kit and Caboodle
That's right, the whole shebang
BOFH is the Bastard Operator from Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his copyright.