BOFH: How to upgrade your Quake Server

Needs must


Episode 6 BOFH 2001: Episode 6

"I'm not going!" The PFY snaps at a suggestion from The Boss that he and I need to go on a full-day Company induction course for contractors.

"Why not?" The Boss cries, surprised by The PFY's rejection of a whole day doing stuff-all.

I mean true, the implication is that he's becoming middle management, but it's only for a day...

"Because there'll be no-one to look after the Computer Room," he responds.

"We could get someone in from the Helpdesk to babysit things while you're away."

"The helpdesk?! They're hardly technical!" I cry, getting in on the act. "Bearing in mind that one of them last week told a user that their best utility for fixing their disk overuse problems was the FDISK utility."

"That was you!" The Boss responds, not fooled for an instant.

"Yeah - but I did it on PURPOSE, they did it later because they thought it was an acceptable fix. How DID the data recovery go anyway?"

The Boss's expression can mean only one thing - his Tom Jones MP3s are lost forever. Shame. "I think you'd like it," he continues however, "- they bring in computers for you to watch some presentations on!!!"

"They bring in computers?" The PFY asks, eyes lighting up.

"Yes - I knew you'd like it when you found out there was something technical involved in it. So I'll put both your names down then?"

"So long as the machine room is safe and there are no accidents."

"You mean like that engineer who fell over the tripwire made out of cable exactly the same colour as the floor tiles?"

"The temporary Cat-5 cable with strain relief at both ends, yes."

"Well I doubt that there'll be any need for anyone to go into the computer room," The Boss responds dismissively.

"There may not be any NEED for it, but they're drawn towards it like managers to Internet porn!" The PFY cries.

"!?" The Boss halts, wondering just how much we know.

"I think what The PFY means is that we're worried about the potential for damage."

"OK, I'll tell you what. Don't give them access and they'll page you if by some chance there's a computer room problem."

BONUS!

"Hi there, I'm Phil, and I'll be your Orientation Consultant today," an overly friendly HR-contractor type greets us and a couple of other newbies from Beancounter Central.

"If you'd just like to take a seat in front of one of these computers, and click on the HISTORY button, a 15 minute video of the history of the company will play."

"Right!" The PFY and I agree, jumping in immediately.

While the videos are running Phil nips out to fill out his timesheet and chat up the Secretary. I, meantime, check out the hardware profile of the machines.

"PIII 600s with 256 Meg Memory," I murmur, coveting thy neighbours resource for our ailing unreal tournament server...

"Downgrade time!" The PFY cries stepping to the lookout position while The Beancounters are engrossed in finding out how the board members created the company out of dirt for the good of humanity.

I lever open the machine in true Mission Impossible form and perform a non-vendor-approved mod, just as Phil returns to the office. I implement mode II and engage him in conversation, while The PFY reaches to a small box on his belt and presses a button.

..Deep in the bowels of the computer room, the UPS switches to STANDBY ISOLATED..

>One minute later<</p>

"That'll be me!" The PFY cries, silencing his pager and pocketing the contraband. "Back shortly."

True to his word, The PFY is back in a reasonable amount of time with some replacement (but strangely slower) processors.

"My goodness, the Alpaca Virus!" I cry loudly, directing everyone's attention to the window while The PFY shunts out the power socket, popping the breaker and taking all the machines down.

"Are you infected too?" I ask, ripping over to The Beancounters' machines and opening them before Phil can intervene.

The PFY, meantime, busies himself filling some empty processor slots in our machines.

"Do you know what you're doing?!" Phil gasps concerned for his company's equipment.

"Of course!" I respond. "I'M A PROFESSIONAL! All we need to do is isolate the infected components and disinfect them on my desktop machine!"

"Is it really necessary?" Phil cries.

"I think you'll find it is," The PFY replies. "And, uh, you may want to bring your laptop too..."

"You mean the virus can get it even though it's in my bag and not switched on?"

"When your inbuilt virus scanning isn't running?" The PFY asks.

"Oh, of course!"

It's true what the say about some people being too dumb to have good computers... ®

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BOFH is copyright © 1995-2001, Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his rights.


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