We really do love Doubleclick because…

Outpourings of affection win dartboards


Competition result Our Doubleclick competition has now closed, and we are pleased to announce the lucky four readers who will soon be enjoying a dartboard courtesy of the lads and ladettes at Hotbot.

But before we name our quartet of Eric Bristows, let's enjoy some of the other noteworthy entries. To recap, all you had to do was complete the following sentence in 20 words or less: 'I love Doubleclick because...' Pretty simple, eh? As we noted at the time, 'Keep 'em clean and make 'em funny.' The operative word being funny. So, Pat Silver will not stepping up to the oche:

Well, I'd love to oblige, but there is a slight problem; I don't love doubleclick. Ads I accept as necessary (although personally I'd like to string up any Webmaster who permits big pop-up ad boxes), cookies which track my activities and analyse the results I do not.

Deary, deary me. Jack Sinnott summed up this type of entry thus:

...they provide me, an American, with such prime opportunities to work myself into a complete pants-wetting lather over privacy issues.

And Graham Parks added his two bits' worth:

...reactionary dullards with nothing better to do who live their lives in fear of Relevant Advertising absolutely abhore them.

Thank you gentlemen. Now, on with the comedy. First up is the no-nonsense honesty approach favoured by Graeme Bell:

...I want a dartboard. Anyone who produces a different reason for loving doubleclick is probably lying.

Yes, yes. What about keeping it short like Daniel Fulton (the entry, obviously - we have no idea how tall Daniel is):

...I'm mad.

and Hans Olsson...

...I'm from Sweden.

and Eric Sullivan...

...one is never enough.

On the other hand, why not ramble on and get yourself disqualified. Like Neil R. Henry:

...of their singular ability to march forward with a certain blissful composure unmarred by: the heightened recognition of the intrusive nature of their targeting techniques, the dwindling value of their market capitalization or the absence of any semblance of a business model.

Hmmm. John Pilge and David Lloyd decided to attack the problem anagramatically:

...it is an anagram of "COLD BUCK LIE." Which is a truly fitting motto for Doubleclick if they ever need one.

...I am a dyslexic feminist and I think you are talking about 'club all dick'

Good effort. As ever, some of you were moved to poetry. Take it away Janette:

Everywhere on the net
It's a sure bet
doubleclick will be there
Like traffic wardens directing us wherever they care

Astounding. Ari Williams gets hip to the beat with:

For annoying popups,
And stuff that drives me mad,
Doubleclick takes 1st prize,
Coz the others aren't as bad!

Yep, I can almost hear that one to a hip-hop beat on the wheels of steel. Not. David Leach continues the theme:

They inspire me
To write beautiful haikus
For The Register.

Their mission is to
Enhance my browsing session.
Diet ads plague me.

I get paid today.
What shall I purchase online?
Dad gets cheap flowers.

Good call, but over your 20 words there David. Noah Brunn is our final Wordsworth:

"You want to go where people know,
People aren't all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows... your name."

Cheers, Noah. Surely, though, among all this madness, there must be a practical reason to give Doubleclick a big, sloppy kiss. Yes there is, according to Chris Lawrence:

...well, it worked for our parents.

Yes it did, Chris. Yes it did. And of course, Doubleclick is helping Doug pay them thar bills:

...it provides a very nice work environment for my wife, as well as that wonderful second paycheck.

Bless. The Head Lemur also has good reason to be grateful:

...it told my wife about maxies house of pain.

There you go - another satisfied customer. Right, now for some prizes. So high was the standard of entries that we have decided to award four exclusive Reg lapel pins to the following runners up:

Gregory Jackson:

...they don't charge for their cookies and the brownies do.

Rodney Grim:

...if you cut them they will bleed. Almost like real people.

Brendan O'Naughton:

...I have no doubt that after I win this competition they'll immediately begin targeting me with ads for dart supplies.

Toby Butler also wins a pin, but if you think we're going to print that mate, you're off your rocker!

And the winners are:

Jason Riddell:

...they gave me a great prize of a dartboard that I used as a prop in my amateur porn movie - read this story to get the joke.

Stuart Bishop:

...they send FREE COOKIES to STARVING CHILDREN in 3rd world INTERNET CAFES around the WORLD!

David Filmer:

doubleclick
banners slick
doublequick
market shtick
"private" (sic)

Peter Trueman:

...well, they already know why!

Excellent work. ®


Other stories you might like

  • These Rapoo webcams won't blow your mind, but they also won't break the bank

    And they're almost certainly better than a laptop jowel-cam

    Review It has been a long 20 months since Lockdown 1.0, and despite the best efforts of Google and Zoom et al to filter out the worst effects of built-in laptop webcams, a replacement might be in order for the long haul ahead.

    With this in mind, El Reg's intrepid reviews desk looked at a pair of inexpensive Rapoo webcams in search for an alternative to the horror of our Dell XPS nose-cam.

    Rapoo sent us its higher-end XW2K, a 2K 30fps device and, at the other end of the scale, the 720p XW170. Neither will break the bank, coming in at around £40 and £25 respectively from online retailers, but do include some handy features, such as autofocus and a noise cancelling microphone.

    Continue reading
  • It's one thing to have the world in your hands – what are you going to do with it?

    Google won the patent battle against ART+COM, but we were left with little more than a toy

    Column I used to think technology could change the world. Google's vision is different: it just wants you to sort of play with the world. That's fun, but it's not as powerful as it could be.

    Despite the fact that it often gives me a stomach-churning sense of motion sickness, I've been spending quite a bit of time lately fully immersed in Google Earth VR. Pop down inside a major city centre – Sydney, San Francisco or London – and the intense data-gathering work performed by Google's global fleet of scanning vehicles shows up in eye-popping detail.

    Buildings are rendered photorealistically, using the mathematics of photogrammetry to extrude three-dimensional solids from multiple two-dimensional images. Trees resolve across successive passes from childlike lollipops into complex textured forms. Yet what should feel absolutely real seems exactly the opposite – leaving me cold, as though I've stumbled onto a global-scale miniature train set, built by someone with too much time on their hands. What good is it, really?

    Continue reading
  • Why Cloud First should not have to mean Cloud Everywhere

    HPE urges 'consciously hybrid' strategy for UK public sector

    Sponsored In 2013, the UK government heralded Cloud First, a ground-breaking strategy to drive cloud adoption across the public sector. Eight years on, and much of UK public sector IT still runs on-premises - and all too often - on obsolete technologies.

    Today the government‘s message boils down to “cloud first, if you can” - perhaps in recognition that modernising complex legacy systems is hard. But in the private sector today, enterprises are typically mixing and matching cloud and on-premises infrastructure, according to the best business fit for their needs.

    The UK government should also adopt a “consciously hybrid” approach, according to HPE, The global technology company is calling for the entire IT industry to step up so that the public sector can modernise where needed and keep up with innovation: “We’re calling for a collective IT industry response to the problem,” says Russell MacDonald, HPE strategic advisor to the public sector.

    Continue reading

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2021