Girls, are you tired of spending your evening staring at your mobile, waiting for a man to call?
Guys, does your girlfriend wait up all night whilst you're out with the lads, waiting for you to call her?
Well no longer, help is at hand! The Purring Kitty transforms Nokia mobile phones into discreet, vibrating massagers.
Kitty is the ultimate companion, and can be downloaded straight to a phone! Its tender purring vibrations provide perfect company on even the loneliest winter nights!
Well, what are you waiting for? For a mere £1.50, www.vibelet.com can deliver you from loneliness, frustration, and despair.
It seems that Vibelet is probing a hitherto unexplored orifice of downloadable phone features. Readers may recall the legendary story of the 20-year-old Taiwanese woman who had to have a mobile phone surgically removed from her back passage after a sex game went horribly wrong.
Well, Purring Kitty could see an end to such tragedies. After downloading the programme, users are led through a menu which apparently concludes: "After a brief pause, a disclaimer is shown advising you to be sensible with your phone - Accept this and you're away!".
We say apparently because it was at this point that our reporter made his excuses and left. We have made our dossier available to the authorities.
There is no IT angle to this story. It's Friday. We're bored. ®