We're delighted to report today that would-be 419 advance fee fraudsters can now avail themselves of the finest academic training available anywhere, courtesy of the University of Nigeria.
This new online resource - which heralds itself as the "World leader in ethical business studies" and "creator of the advance fee methodology and related business technologies" - will certainly prove a great hit among the lads from Lagos eager to gain paper qualifications in their chosen career.
The university's comprehensive course list includes:
- Macro Economics 101: Learn how to leverage your success with the economy of scale that mass email marketing provides. Sending email offers one at a time is useless and a waste of your time. If you send one stupid email offer to millions and millions of people, you exert the same amount of energy and greatly increase the chance that someone will respond to your offer.
- History and World Events 400: Many years ago, the United States started a special group to help encourage the growth of the Nigerian economy. It was called ARPANET and is the foundation for the Internet and our current economic prosperity. This course will teach you how the United States provided us with direct links to millions of wealthy and gullible households who assisted us in funneling millions of dollars back to our home country. They are a great people and we will never forget that.
- Statistical Psychology 200: Research has proven that .001 percent of the world population is completely stupid, ignorant to the world around them, and will believe anything. Using this information, you will learn how to launch a mass email to 100 million people around the world and use basic psychology skills to get .001 percent of the sample group to send you money. If for example, you ask them to send you $10,000 each, .001 percent will do so and yield you a $1,000,000,000 return on your investment! (Prerequisite: Macro Economics 101 & History and World Events 400).
Challenging stuff indeed. Prospective students who might be concerned that such a level of academic rigour comes with a hefty price tag need not fret unduly:
Recognizing the need for assistance with tuition, University of Nigeria offers a variety of financial aid options. Our university is in the position of funding your complete tuition in addition to providing for housing, meals, and other expenses you may incur while attending school. We will wire you $10 million into your account and whatever you do not use, just send back upon graduation. You will never have to repay the gift. We will ask that you setup a fax machine on your end, are able to provide pertinent information about yourself and, in return, regard us as a family member for providing this great service. This gifting program has been made possible through Prince Daju Bajukabee and he welcomes you into his family and beautiful and lush country of Nigeria.
The University of Nigeria has given me the gift of happiness and financial freedom. In less than a month, I was up and running in my own international online business. I made friends with people all around the world, and convinced many of them to invest in my advanced fee service. Many people have told others about me. In fact, I think the US Government wants to do business with me 'cause they are always calling me day and night. Thank you, University of Nigeria for giving me the necessary skills to land big-fish accounts like the USA!
Thanks to reader Ged Carroll for forwarding us this delicious prospectus.