The lizard army has been busy mobilising its forces of technology in London this week with a terrifying attack on the population's domestic appliances, the Evening Standard reports.
Readers who have been following our coverage of the Rise of the Machines™ will recall the case of Canneto di Caronia, where panic-stricken villagers abandoned their homes after an outbreak of autocombusting fridges and mobile phones. The authorities there were unable to explain how - even when unplugged - Sicilian white goods launched a suicidal assault on their human masters by spontaneously bursting into flames.
At the time, however, Vulture Central correctly attributed the incident to a newly self-aware electricity network which, in alliance with murderous cyberloos and killer phone kiosks, had determined to subjugate humanity to its dark masters' will. This analysis is confirmed by recent events in Archway, north London, where hundreds of homes were subjected to a high-voltage surge which saw TVs and DVD players burst into flames and one 67-year-old man hospitalised for smoke inhalation.
Victim Michael Nabavian recalled: "I was woken by the sound of my bathroom fan, which had turned on. It was making a strange noise and I could smell burning plastic. I tried to turn them off, but nothing seemed able to stop it. I went into the lounge only to see smoke billowing from my DVD player. It was terrifying as I had no idea what was causing these things."
According to power company EDF, the problem was caused by a faulty fusebox at the local substation which sent twice the normal voltage blasting through peoples' homes. EDF had previously been warned of the planned uprising when locals complained of "flickering lights" in the week leading up to the offensive. It said inspections "had revealed no problems" - a chilling dismissal of the facts at hand which echoes Renault's recent refusal to admit anything amiss after one of its Vel Satis kidnapped a petrified Frenchman and attempted to terminate him during an hour-long, 125mph terror ordeal.
All of which points to one of two conclusions: that EDF is oblivious to the full-scale war now being waged between mankind and machine; or that EDF is itself, as we suspect Renault to be, an agent for the black-helicopter-borne lizard army.
At this point we would like to address those readers - a recent flamer included - who have taken exception to our conspiracy-theory-driven neo-Luddite tendencies. In response, we offer further news which should convince even the most hardened sceptic that his electric toothbrush is about to turn nasty and that he should arm himself accordingly - preferably with a substantial supply of "Arm and Hammer".
Reader Denis Looby notes with concern that Wowwee Robotics has just rolled out its $200 Robosapien™ V2 - which incorporates "some great new features including much more agility, improved ability to talk and interact with others, and a fun new laser tracking feature". Starting to get that sinking feeling? Read on:
Robosapien V2 will interact with his surroundings, and even responds with a ‘real voice’…Robosapien V2 can talk! Fully equipped with infra-red radar vision, Robosapien’s V2 moving eyes with blue LED lights can detect obstacles, track movements and take objects handed to him.
Sensory features include a vision color system that enables Robosapien V2 to recognize objects and skin tones; he can wave when he sees you and reach out to shake your hand. A stereo sound detection system allows him to respond and react to noises in the environment. Robosapien V2 comes equipped with “laser” tracking; trace a laser path on the ground and he’ll follow it.
The informed observer can see where this is leading: 10-inch-high laser-guided mini-Terminators tracking simpering survivors of the machine-led Armageddon by the sound of their hushed whispers as they cower in the subterranean hovels in which the last, desperate remnants of humanity have sought refuge. The writing is on the wall. ®
The Rise of the Machines™
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman