Jubologist links breast type to personality

Fruitful research into female assets


An Italian sexologist has claimed that he can tell a woman's personality from the size and shape of her breasts, and his research has revealed some interesting and previously unknown facts about human females.

Piero Lorenzoni this week expounded his mammicular theory to German tabloid Bild. Shortly thereafter UK jub enthusiasts at the Sun got their quips out for the lads.

Likewise, we at El Reg feel duty-bound to share Lorenzoni's expertise in the matter, as follows:

  • Melons: A woman with large, round breasts "likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired, but seldom likes sex," says Lorenzi.
  • Grapefruit: "This woman may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."
  • Pears: "Loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs."
  • Pineapples: "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."
  • Oranges: "While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships."
  • Lemons: "These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises."
  • Cherries: They are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex."

That's right - the shocking conclusion of Lorenzoni's study is that women don't like sex very much and the form and volume of their assets makes little or no difference in the matter.

Having said that, there is another possible explanation, and one favoured by our own Lucy Sherriff: that women do not want to have sex with Piero Lorenzoni and he has not realised that this may not apply to other males. Interestingly, a web search for a picture of the Italian breastologist returned absolutely no results whatsoever. There are only two conclusions to be drawn from this: that Lorenzoni is so breathtakingly handsome that women fear they may die of sexual ecstasy if they indulge in rumpy-pumpy with the Italian Stallion; or that he he so closely resembles John Merrrick that the merest glimpse of his hideous form provokes females to run screaming for the hills taking their fruit with them.

Whichever is the case, we can understand why Lorenzoni wishes to keep his appearance a closely-guarded secret. ®

Related stories

Casino brands eBay cleavage woman
Dutch actress's breasts confound doubters
Boffin hits it big with breast-enlarging ringtone


Other stories you might like

  • DuckDuckGo tries to explain why its browsers won't block some Microsoft web trackers
    Meanwhile, Tails 5.0 users told to stop what they're doing over Firefox flaw

    DuckDuckGo promises privacy to users of its Android, iOS browsers, and macOS browsers – yet it allows certain data to flow from third-party websites to Microsoft-owned services.

    Security researcher Zach Edwards recently conducted an audit of DuckDuckGo's mobile browsers and found that, contrary to expectations, they do not block Meta's Workplace domain, for example, from sending information to Microsoft's Bing and LinkedIn domains.

    Specifically, DuckDuckGo's software didn't stop Microsoft's trackers on the Workplace page from blabbing information about the user to Bing and LinkedIn for tailored advertising purposes. Other trackers, such as Google's, are blocked.

    Continue reading
  • Despite 'key' partnership with AWS, Meta taps up Microsoft Azure for AI work
    Someone got Zuck'd

    Meta’s AI business unit set up shop in Microsoft Azure this week and announced a strategic partnership it says will advance PyTorch development on the public cloud.

    The deal [PDF] will see Mark Zuckerberg’s umbrella company deploy machine-learning workloads on thousands of Nvidia GPUs running in Azure. While a win for Microsoft, the partnership calls in to question just how strong Meta’s commitment to Amazon Web Services (AWS) really is.

    Back in those long-gone days of December, Meta named AWS as its “key long-term strategic cloud provider." As part of that, Meta promised that if it bought any companies that used AWS, it would continue to support their use of Amazon's cloud, rather than force them off into its own private datacenters. The pact also included a vow to expand Meta’s consumption of Amazon’s cloud-based compute, storage, database, and security services.

    Continue reading
  • Atos pushes out HPC cloud services based on Nimbix tech
    Moore's Law got you down? Throw everything at the problem! Quantum, AI, cloud...

    IT services biz Atos has introduced a suite of cloud-based high-performance computing (HPC) services, based around technology gained from its purchase of cloud provider Nimbix last year.

    The Nimbix Supercomputing Suite is described by Atos as a set of flexible and secure HPC solutions available as a service. It includes access to HPC, AI, and quantum computing resources, according to the services company.

    In addition to the existing Nimbix HPC products, the updated portfolio includes a new federated supercomputing-as-a-service platform and a dedicated bare-metal service based on Atos BullSequana supercomputer hardware.

    Continue reading

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022