This article is more than 1 year old
California hippies protect cats at our Peril!
Texas is model of eSafety
Stern response Cringe.
Up to this point, I've left any correspondence concerning my insights to be hashed out between you - the readers - and our own, scrumptious Lucy Sherriff. As the world's pre-eminent technology patriot, I have but a few minutes per day to waste on emails or, to be frank, explaining where many of you went wrong. Recent events, however, have forced me to grab this week's mailbag by the, well, bag - if you follow.
"The sniping bloggers article is excellent," writes Kevin about my most recent dollop of meme titled "Sniping bloggers can keep America safe from terrorists and cats!."
"You have truly glimpsed into the future and found it to be an idyllic existence," he continues. "Your ideas point the way to solving the perennial problem of insufficient numbers of police as well as increasing the participation of the citizens in civic affairs.
"I only wish that such a system was already in place. My neighbors, who make a lot of noise late at night which disturbs my sleep, are coincidentally a threat to public safety. The two issues are unrelated, of course. How I wish I could make the world safer by snogging my noisy neighbors. The sooner your system is adopted the better."
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Kevin, like many of you, picked up on the issues at hand. Your precious letters kept me from the brink of total disaster - that being the moment when I call my mother Greta to hear how superior I am than the rest of you in most ways. Okay, every way.
But there are many redundant plebs out there who didn't appreciate my call for a blogging militia.
Most disturbingly, California legislators moved to ban online hunting the day before my column appeared. "It's an over the top, pay-per-view video game using live animals for target practice that ought to be banned from coast-to-coast," said Sen. Debra Bowen, the author of the anti-hunting bill. I can only assume that Register editor Drew Cullen passed these liberals a draft copy of my column. They, no doubt, rushed to push this legislation through before all our conservative brothers could read about my genius vision. Good luck holding back Otto's legion!
It's these California freaks and the readers below that forced me into action this week. Don't any of you care about OUR safety?!?! I expose all of you.
"Awful article," writes Baxter. "I really don't see your point other than to make fun of Republicans. Am I missing something or maybe you support invasive species as well?"
"Otto, relax, put down your NRA hat for a moment, pack up that gun rack on your jeep, go unpack a beer from the fridge, load up that (outsourced to India) 'all american operating system' on that (made in China) 'American' Dell computer I just know you must have, and hop on over virtually to Texas (yes, where else...), where they have this just waiting for someone like you!," writes David McGuire.
"Perhaps they can even import some cats from Wisconson for you."
"Being a story from merka, I expected snogging to be the 'offence,' not the solution," writes Ian Pogle. "Snogging is a widely practised pastime here in Blighty, but is rarely injurious to third parties."
Try to stay on topic, Ian.
"Dear Sir: Over 300 feral cats have been saved here in Atlantic City, USA!," writes Carl Simonsen. "Go to Google Search, Type in: /boardwalk cats/ then click on "I'm Feeling Lucky" to see our story! Carl the cat feeder Atlantic City."
Do you have any web cams, Carl?
"Can't you afford a better translator for this author?," asks George Jansen.
No comprendo, Jorge.
"Another Stern article, another Stern joke," writes Chris.
"Ok, i'm not going to flame, but seriously, how can anyone, from the touch of a button, fire a weapon at another man? Where do these weapons come from and who puts them there?
"Also, what right does the common citizen have to act as judge, jury and executioner of another man? We do not have that right and thankfully so."
Do you have a reason to be afraid, Chris?
And we'll close on a couple of happy notes.
"The disturbing thing is that I agree with him....," writes Elaine Kenny.
"I had some more info on the Wisonsin Cat topic," writes Mike. "Check out Cat Call USA. It has some great flash games on it!"
"I agree with you absolutely," writes Gareth Barnard. "We need an armed civilian militia in the good old US of A to keep us safe. Hey--let's call it the Minutemen!
"I was ashamed to learn that the US is fourth in the number of its citizens it executes every year. We were beaten out by Vietnam, for goodness' sake! I am lucky to live in the great state of Texas where I am permitted to carry a concealed weapon but I don't "pack heat" because they make you go through a ridiculously convoluted bureaucratic process to get a permit.
"For the time being my .38 is stashed in the glovebox of my car. Knowing it's there makes me feel safer when I'm changing a tyre on the President George Bush (God bless him) Turnpike. Keep up the good work, Otto, and keeping waving the red, white and blue."
Thanks, Paul! See you next week. ®
Sniping bloggers can keep America safe from terrorists and cats!
Readers pour water on pro-smoke lobby
Stern response to Otto's HP musings
Blocking online cigarette sales threatens us all
Why Fiorina wasn't the right man for the HP CEO post