Those readers who like their Reg stories with a firm IT angle would do well to look away now. On the other hand, those readers who like their stories with a something-firm-in-in-hand angle will doubtless be delighted that US capital of libertines, degenerates and homosexualists San Fran last week hosted the city's "Masturbate-a-thon" - an event designed to celebrate all that is good and wholesome in the five-knuckle shuffle.
According to a Yahoo! report (and yes, we've asked ourselves if they haven't got anything better to do down at Yahoo! - like cracking one off - instead of wasting everyone's time with these tiresome masturbation stories), the event was organised to "help raise funds for the Center for Sex and Culture, and, according to its organizer, provide an outlet for safe sex for those who enjoy pleasuring themselves in a semi-public setting".
Jesus. No wonder Middle America is as we speak loading its semi-automatic rifle and flicking through the Bible for the bit where it says: "Ye verily, the Lord did smite down those who indulged in the trouser-snake monosamba."
Even Center for Sex and Culture supremo, Carol Queen [sic], admitted that the topic of masturbation is for many "off limits", explaining: "Even people who are sexually frisky... might have the bias that many Americans do, that it's second-best sex, that it's something you do if you can't figure something else out."
Second-best sex? Tell that to a Linux programmer who's got a slice of pizza in one hand, his hideously empurpled member in the other and a Natalie Portman tribute website firmly plastered across Firefox...
Tasty. Back in SF, meanwhile, we are informed that: "One New York man arrived shortly after 5 p.m. seeking to break the endurance six-and-a-half hour record set at last year's event." Good effort - better even than guitar-strumming ecowarrior Sting and his reported seventy-three days shagging his wife without suffering an orgasm as a result of his Tantric sex black-belt status. Mind you, the SF wankers are allowed a five-minute break every hour, which is more than enough time to prevent a premature ejection from the competition by focussing on filling in tax returns and the mother-in-law*.
Interestingly, last year's female marathon winner, the deliciously-named Norine Dworkin, described the long-distance frottorama as "about as pleasurable as rubbing an elbow". Suggestion: stay at home and find something else to occupy six-and-a-half hours... Like watching Natalie Portman in The Phantom Menace. Now if you'll excuse me... <unzip> ®
*We don't mean filling in the mother-in-law, obviously. That would be illegal. Satisfying, yes, but illegal nonetheless.