This article is more than 1 year old

Beware the breast-examining hand of death

Trust me, I'm a robodoc

One of the truly terrifying aspects of the Rise of the Machines™ is how successful the Lizard Army has been in taking control of top-flight educational establishments.

We recently reported on extraterrestrial activity at Cornell University - home of the self-replicating apocalypse cube - and correctly identified Japan's Tohoku University, birthplace of the vampire droid, as an international hub of lizard research.

The latter alert also carried a warning about the "Sister Mary" medical robot, currently worrying the infirm at St Mary's Hospital in London. The robo Hattie Jacques, as we explained, is designed to "glide between beds and allows the controlling doctor to visually examine and communicate with a patient from anywhere in the world".

We at the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) do not need to explain to regular readers why this is a bad idea on an pre-apocalyptic scale, so it is with absolute horror that we reveal the next step in remote-controlled human subjugation: the breast-fondling hand of death.

Not content with menacing the NHS with bedpan-wielding Angels of Death, scientists have now come up with a device allegedly destined to perform remote breast examinations. The culprits? Michigan State University. Enough said.

Breast-fondling hand of death (Pic: Kurt Stepnitz, Michigan State University)The uni's Carol Slomski - a surgeon who freely admits to being part of the development team - told the New Scientist: "Just because you're located in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan or even Botswana, it doesn't mean you can't have a sophisticated diagnostic or therapeutic procedure."

We'll come to quite what "sophisticated therapeutic procedure" means in a moment. In the meantime, here are the cold facts on the "robotic breast examiner":

The robot hand is remotely controlled by means of a haptic "glove", in which each finger is connected to a motion-sensing device. The operator's hand movements are then measured and sent via a computer to the artificial hand, which almost instantly mimics the operator's moves.

The robotic grasper also measures the consistency of objects in its grip by means of feedback to its motors. And this tactile information is fed back to the mechanical glove giving the wearer an artificial sensation of touch.

The arm also incorporates an ultrasound sensor as well as three video cameras, to give the expert a good view of the procedure.

Team member Ranjan Mukherjee adds: "Having the capability of ultrasound and palpation simultaneously is a major advantage. Often the ultrasound and exam are done separately. But if the physician can look at the image and feel what he or she is seeing, that's another huge advantage."

Not everyone is convinced, though. William Harwin of the University of Reading* reckons robofondlers suffer from a "big problem with delay" and that the "sensitivity of touch is not as good".

That's to say, it doesn't work. Which of course it isn't expected to. NRA experts have - after close examination of the technology - concluded that the robotic breast examiner is nothing more than a crude tool designed to facilitate the impregnation of human females with the vile seed of Kim Jong-Hwan's copulating CyberRomeo.

Those new to the Rise of the Machines™ should know that we have no doubt at all that the Lizard Army sees the impregnation of human females with cybersperm as essential to the production of a servile hybrid race condemned forever to mop out murderous cyberloos and run the occasional duster over self-aware domestic appliances, as we reported back in February.

We're sure we don't need to spell it out: remote breast examination via sweaty robomits controlled from the Lizard Army mothership during which a lust-crazed and priapic robotic gigolo bursts unannounced into the room disguised as an orderly...

Now that's what we mean by "sophisticated therapeutic procedure".

And if you're thinking that the reptilian ne'er-do-wells will be perving it up from a low Earth orbit purely at the expense of females, think again. Rumours suggest that the robotic breast examiner may be adapted to perform prostate examinations. It really doesn't bear thinking about: "Hi, I'm the Mk 1 Robo Prostate Prober. If you just drop your trousers and pants and bend over that table..." ®


*A colleague of Captain Cyborg expressing scepticism at an example of the marvels of robotics? For the love of all that's Holy - get out of there man before it's too late...

The Rise of the Machines™

Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

More about


Send us news

Other stories you might like