A simulacrum of Jesus's face discovered by a non-practicing Hindu in a Burgess Hill hawthorn tree looks set to become a focus of pilgrimage after a local pastor declared it "a revelation from God".
Sewdutt Maunick told the BBC how he was inexorably drawn to the divine shrub, explaining: "Something was actually urging me to come to this end of the garden because we never actually sit here. Suddenly I rushed to call my wife, Vijayantimala, and said 'look, I have seen this figure of a man, come and look'."
The suitably epiphanised couple called in pastor Elaine Thomas who confirmed the revelation, saying: "I think that often we are in the right place at the right time. It's touched my heart and it's done something for me."
Mr and Mrs Maunick now plan to talk about their close encounter with the divine to the pastor's flock. We have no doubt that when they get back from the church, GoldenPalace.com will have removed the hawthorn with a chainsaw and arranged for a hard-up US woman to have a representation of the Jesus image tattooed on her arse in return for ten bucks' worth of e-chips. ®