It's official: the pool romp scene from Showgirls - featuring Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan going at it like two dolphins caught in a tuna net - is the crappiest movie sex scene of all time.
In awarding the crown to Paul Verhoeven's lamentable waste of celluloid, Empire magazine has at least ensured that it will go down in history for something besides possibly being the worst film ever made*.
An Empire spokesman said of the outrage: "It's supposed to be the best sex in the world but, as Berkley thrashes around in the water, it looks more like the first ten minutes of Jaws."
Well said. Sloppy seconds in the list of shame went to Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche for Damage, with Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes humping their way to third in Killing me Softly.
Disappointingly, Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Ann Moss in Matrix Reloaded only merited ninth spot, although it's good to see veteran rumpy-pumpy merchant Joan Collins honoured at 10 for her 1978 coupling with Oliver Tobias in The Stud.
We'll leave the last word to Empire, which carries this reasoned analysis of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in Gigli: "When Ben's chauvinistic mobster Larry Gigli gets it on with J-Lo's lesbian assassin Ricki, the scene is cold corny and lame. But what really sends it over the top is Ricki's infamous 'It's turkey time, gobble, gobble' as a call to oral foreplay. Unfeasibly bad, the pair, while sexy as hell on their own, together here couldn't generate enough heat to toast bread." ®
The Top Ten Worst Movie Sex Scenes
- Showgirls: Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan (1995)
- Damage: Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche (1992)
- Killing me Softly: Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes (2002)
- Body of Evidence: Madonna and Willem Dafoe (1993)
- Crimes of Passion: Kathleen Turner (1984)
- The Specialist: Sharon Stone and Sly Stallone (1994)
- Gigli: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (2003)
- 40 Days and 40 Nights: Matt Sullivan and Shannyn Sossamon (2002)
- Matrix Reloaded: Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Ann Moss (2003)
- The Stud: Joan Collins and Oliver Tobias (1978)
*OK then, Plan 9 from Outer Space is probably the worst film ever made, and here's why:
Colonel Tom Edwards: This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard
Jeff Trent: And every word of it's true, too
Colonel Tom Edwards: That's the fantastic part of it
Ah, they don't write 'em like that any more.