NSFW Our female readers are invited to imagine the folllowing scenario: It's Monday, you're at work, you're bored, you're thinking "how could I possibly spice up this trawl of the 2,000 weekend emails in my inbox?" when it occurs to you that if someone were to invent an SMS-triggered Bluetooth vibrator then your partner could bring you to an earth-shattering climax simply by texting a few sweet words of lurv, leaving you totally satisfied as a woman and fit to face the most daunting online task.
Well, you're in luck, because UK outfit the Cool & Groovy Toy Company Ltd has plugged this particular gap in the life-enhancing technology market with The Toy, described as a "hi-tech vibrating bullet". The blurb explains:
Connected to a mobile phone with Bluetooth it becomes an intimate, silent connection between two lovers, regardless of distance. Custom designed for your pleasure, it is intelligent, sophisticated and invented for bliss. The Toy is worn internally, linked to a mobile phone and controlled by sms text messages sent to the phone. Once read, the message is transported automatically to The Toy, which turns it into vibrations - with a huge range of movements, depending on what you have written. Just say what you feel, The Toy will do the rest.
Good Lord. Apparently, you crack off a quick SMS containing a secret six-digit tag which enables the device. Twenty-six letters each have three "different movement profiles" with five speeds and three time settings. This allows 45 possible effects from any single letter and an astounding "7200 variations from a single text message".
No, we haven't really got a clue what that's all about, so let's have a quick shufti at the specs. Suffice it to say, we're talking cutting edge electronics, intelligent CPU and turbo-boost circuitry packed into a throbbing 90mm of can javelin. Oh yes, it also has a 14.5 cm high tensile coated cable antenna which doubles as a handy extractor - a nice touch.
Finally, The Toy is "not discoverable in a Bluetooth search", so there's no chance of your other half being molested by a wireless groper. ®