Fellow members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have written to express their concern at an apparent lack of recent activity in our Montana command bunker should rest assured that - contrary to popular belief - we have not spent the entire summer taking drunken potshots at Renault Lagunas with pulse plasma laser rifles, but rather working on a field guide to technological menaces worldwide.
The alphabetical cyberbestiary - which should be ready for release in about a month - will offer a handy cut-out-and-keep reference to just about every known threat, from apocalypse cubes to rat-brain-controlled zombie armies. Watch this space.
In the meantime, the student of the Rise of the Machines® might be tempted to dip into How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion, recently released by Carnegie Mellon University roboticist Daniel H. Wilson.
We have not yet read the said book, but fellow NRA members are cautioned that we already have firm evidence that everyone at Carnegie Mellon is controlled via explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army mothership. Look no further than our previous report into the DARPA grand challenge and CM's computer-controlled H1ghlander. Enough said.
And speaking of cranial implants, we are obliged to Gary Pearce for chilling evidence that the reptilian forces of darkness have been experimenting with a human/black helicopter hybrid, apparently controlled by instructions downloaded onto an iPod.
This is a disturbing development. We believe this terrifying creation is "activated" via iTunes when the subject downloads an apparently innocent album of 1970s glam rock covers by the "David Icke Quartet" in response to a subliminal message broadcast during a TV advert for the Citroën C4.
Among the foot-tapping faves - including the peerless Blockbuster by Sweet and T-Rex's Metal Guru - is a version of Gary Glitter's 1976 ditty You Belong To Me which, when played backwards, contains the message: "The time has arrived. Kill all entirely carbon-based lifeforms."
You know the rest: smouldering post-apocalyptic landscape, sobbing remnants of humanity pursued by fire-breathing bendy buses, and so forth.
Accordingly, we are issuing a low-grade Defcon "Warwick" until we have ascertained exactly how many chopper hybrids are currently in circulation and whether simply unplugging their iPods and stamping on them will permanently disable the threat. Stay alert. ®
The Rise of the Machines™
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman