Hoping to leave the living room at some point this year? Not a chance. This spring, the Tellyville honchos have two main ways of getting you off your computer and making you watch the box - assuming they're not one and the same, of course.
Plan A, I hardly need remind you, is HD TV. Sky is busy unleashing an ever-growing line-up of HD channels, despite being pipped to the high-def service launchpad by Telewest. It's likely that some World Cup football matches will be broadcast in HD, so, if you're not yet armed with an HD Ready arsenal of set-top box and big, flat telly, find a mate who is, turn up with a truckful of Beck's and refuse to leave until Santa brings you goodies of your own.
The other big viewer-luring game for 2006 is called Promote Your Show By Making It Sound Like Doctor Who. Ginger thesp Douglas Henshall is about to start filming ITV's new £6m six-parter Primaeval, in which he plays a time-travelling scientist with a feisty blonde assistant. It's entirely different to Doctor Who because he's a Professor, not a Doctor, and they use black holes to travel through time, not a Tardis, and his assistant is played by Hannah 'S Club' Spearitt, not Billie Piper. Chalk and cheese, see.
The Beeb isn't immune from this Who-based nonsense. They're currently publicising an episode of daytime soap Doctors with a press release titled: "Dr Who and Boba Fett cross swords in the Doctors Galaxy". If you're intrigued, set your Sky+ for 2.05pm on Wednesday, 8 March.
Check out TV Scoop for details, and meet me back here on Fridays for a weekly update.
What to watch this week
1. 24 Sky One, Sunday Feb 12, 9pm - Jack's back for another worst day of his life. Will it be as bad as the last worst day of his life, or that other worst day of his life with the nuclear bomb? Anyway, the world needs saving again. (Ace new PS2 game, by the way.)
2. The IT Crowd C4, Fridays, 9.30pm - Moss and Roy log on to a lonely hearts site. Next week, Noel Fielding from Nathan Barley turns up in a cupboard. Keep the telly on afterwards for the brilliant My Name is Earl, which tonight features ketchup sachets and lawnmowers.
3. Is She Really Going Out With Him? Five, Sunday Feb 12, 11.05pm - Boffins explain why male munters attract beautiful ladies.
4. Monkey ITV4, Friday Feb 10, 6pm - New series. Well, new series of repeats. Following its excellent work with Larry Sanders, ITV4 has rescued everyone's favourite Pigsy-starring primal buddhist dubfest from the archives and given it a new weekly pre-pub slot.
5. Life On Mars BBC1, Monday Feb 13, 9pm - In which Philip Glenister plays Jack Regan off The Sweeney. Unmissable. ®