Geek TV Last week's favourite game among the suits who run Britain's telly channels was Pretend Your Show Is Doctor Who. This week, it's Pretend Your Show Is The Apprentice, as channel after channel pluck 'ordinary' folk off the streets and force them to jump through hoops to get gainful employment.
Five, the channel formerly known as Channel Five, wins hands down with its new extreme job hunt reality show Selling Yourself. You have to salute a programme that's so unoriginal it rips off not only The Apprentice but also Dragons' Den and even the guilty geek pleasure, Masterchef Goes Large. Selling Yourself apes Dragons' Den so closely, right down to the sour-faced bird on the panel, that it's like watching a French and Saunders spoof.
But there's something horribly compelling about seeing a non-entity with an interview technique straight out of Gareth Keenan's Book of Management Bollocks rewarded with... a job as an estate agent. Anyway, it's on on Tuesday at 8pm. Like Dragons' Den.
Meanwhile, jolly angry green giant Lou Ferrigno, aka The Incredible Hulk you watched Saturday mornings when you were eight, is now a reserve Deputy Sheriff in Los Angeles. Presumably the Governator wants to surround himself with cops who look exactly like him: sort of like an army of massive, rippled Oompa Loompas.
And so to another butch TV icon: Bully. Bullseye is now definitely coming back, though Jim Bowen isn't. Bookies' favourite replacement is Peter Kay, followed by Michael Barrymore and Al Murray. Sky Bet is also offering odds on Justin 'The Darkness' Hawkins at 25/1, Liz Hurley at 150/1 and John Leslie at a surely mistaken 10/1.
Finally, good news for anyone who can't bear to leave the computer for long enough to watch TV: HDTV UK has a guide to getting HD pictures on your PC. More fabulous still, it's got a round-up of websites offering HD content. Top recommendation is Apple's QuickTime site, whose BBC and IMAX clips will stun and wow you, but only if your broadband connection is 2Mbps or higher.
What to watch this week
BAFTA Film Awards, Sunday, BBC1, 9pm
Make do with this until the Oscars in a couple of weeks. Stephen Fry, Constant Gardener, Brokeback Mountain, blah, blah.
The South Bank Show: Manga Mania, Sunday, ITV1, 11.10pm
L'Oreal man Melvyn talks to manga godfather Hayao Miyazaki and Gorillaz' dad Jamie Hewlett.
The Apprentice, Wednesday, BBC2, 9pm
In which Siralan selects a new employee from 14 contestants who include (fact!) Matt Lucas' cousin and a former Millwall footballer.
Action, Wednesday, ITV4, 10pm
"Another chance to see" Jay Mohr's superb Hollywood satire. DO NOT MISS.
Just The Two of Us, Thursday, BBC1, 8pm
In the fine tradition of noughties telly, this one's a cut'n'shut job of loads of other programmes: Strictly Come Dancing plus Soapstar Superstar plus I Love The 80s plus The X Factor. WARNING: contains Curtis Stigers.