Google plans orbital mind control

Chilling scheme for world domination laid bare

You read it here first: despite its famous "Don't be evil" mantra, we can exclusively reveal that Google is planning a SPECTRE-style operation co-ordinated from an extinct volcano aimed at the complete subjugation of humanity by means of "orbital mind control".

The proof for this diabolical scheme for world domination (operational mantra: "If it can't be indexed it must be destroyed") comes from a photograph of a whiteboard in the Google Campus' "Building 43" - the cyber-equivalent of Area 51, which acts as the search monolith's black ops brainstorming facility:

The truth is there for all to see: a planet entirely dominated by Google OS, the tentacles of which extend to every corner of the globe. Click here to examine the Building 43 Whiteboard in full, but for your viewing pleasure, our photo interpretation and enhancement bureau has enlarged the most noteworthy extracts, as seen below.

To summarise: Google's "Plan Nine" in outer space will deploy spy satellite technology to beam mind-altering corporate propaganda designed to convince even the most stubborn sceptic that dealing with the Chinese government really is a great step forward for Western Capitalism and, therefore, democracy.

But why buy New Zealand? Simple: no self-respecting wannabe world dominator operates from an office building in California. Indeed, tradition dictates that the whole thing must be commanded from the inside of an extinct vocano - of which NZ has plenty - manned by hundreds of boilersuited operatives (Chinese in this case, naturally).

Sergey Brin, of course, is the bloke sitting in the black leather chair while stroking the white cat.

Larry Page, meanwhile, is the tall, taciturn blonde geezer with the pecs of steel and washboard stomach who guards the bridge over the piranha-packed indoor lake awaiting the inevitable arrival of his master's nemesis.

So who, you ask, has the necessary skills and aggression to take on and defeat the Google menace? Simple: Steve "007" Ballmer ("Now put that chair down and pay attention, 007") and his highly-trained force of Microsoft Ninja assassins who will abseil from the volcano's retractable metal roof while dispensing explosive death to the crater's hapless workforce.

We all know how it ends. Ballmer dispatches Page unceremoniously into the piranha-packed indoor lake before confronting an enraged Brin who shouts "This is the price of failure, Mr Ballmer" while pulling the self-destruct lever and then making good his escape aboard a Segway to later reappear dressed as a Samurai warrior in Larry Ellison's Japanese garden of death.

At least, we hope that's how it pans out. If not, prepare for your mind to be orbitally bent to the will of Google. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to Fitz for the tip-off and Yoz Grahame for use of the photo.