Geek TV Following our revelation that the upcoming collision of Doctor Who, Lost, 24, Big Brother and HD footy will make you ill from schedule stress, Geek TV can now confirm that telly also makes you fat. No! Yes!
In a shock new study, the British Dietetic Association reports that the youth of today likes a nice sit down in front of TV, computer games and the internet. The BDA claims that "British teens" spend two and a half months a year "staring at screens". Two and a half months out of a whole year? That's nothing. We intend to stare at screens for two and a half months of the next two and a half months.
To help us achieve this, the BBC is airing the World Cup online as well as on telly. Director of sport Roger Mosey explains: "We know a lot of online viewing is done in the office." That's right: the Queen's own BBC is helping people to skive at taxpayer's expense. Rock on, Auntie.
Even if you find a golden ticket and get beamed into bed with Imodium, disGrace and Nikkkkki, you cannot escape the magic goggle-screen. But will Big Brother show the World Cup on their special plasma screen, like they do at music festivals?
Happily for the future of mankind, not everyone is a lazy telly addict. Little Britainer David Walliams is busy coating himself in goose fat to prepare for his cross-Channel swim, and Rose's mum out of Doctor Who has taken up running.
"A couple of guys chased me in their cars," actress Camille Coduri told The People. And there's no escape on set: "More often than not you're tearing down the road screaming."
So once the rest of us have succumbed to TV-borne schedule stress and obesity, Dave and Camille will be left to save the human race. Get your swim finished first, Dave.
Top five to watch this week:
1. Lost, Tuesday 6 June, C4, 10pm
The is the one that divided fans in the US. We're firmly in the pro camp: the fast-paced whiz through the tail-end survivors' 48 days on the island so far reminded us why we got addicted to Lost in the first place. Turn over to E4 afterwards for the next episode.
2. Doctor Who, Saturday 3 June, BBC1, 7pm
In "The Impossible Planet", the Doctor and Rose risk getting sucked into a black hole, a bit like the Doctor did in the mid-80s. Then switch over to hob-nob with the set designers in Doctor Who Confidential (BBC3, 7.45pm).
3. Tricks from the Bible, Friday 2 June, C4, 11.05pm
Tricksters Barry Jones and Stuart MacLeod perform their versions of Bible stories: getting water out of stones, that kind of thing. Our favourite is the one where they turn walking sticks into vicious snakes. Imagine if you could do that in Lakeside on a Saturday afternoon.
4. 10.5: Apocalypse, Tuesday 6 June, Sky One, 8pm
US miniseries set in the aftermath of a catastrophic earthquake.
5. Horizon: The Woman Who Thinks Like a Cow, Thursday 8 June, BBC2, 9pm
Featuring Dr Temple Grandin, who can talk to animals and read their minds. Well, if you had to grow up with a name like Temple Grandin, wouldn't you hang out with farmyard creatures?