April Fool Larry Ellison on Thursday came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not god. As a result, Oracle's CEO has gone totally monastic.
Ellison's breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure's absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.
Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world's best monk.
"Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition," said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. "We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular."
My Faith is Unbreakable
Deftouche has characterized Ellison's god episode as a coincidence that has nothing to do with the brain-glazing operation.
"This is not some kind of side effect," he said. "Although, if it keeps happening and customers like it, I might consider changing my stance."
Ellison has ordered immediate work to begin on a $80m monastery in Woodside that will flank his current $30m Japan-inspired home.
On the business front, Ellison has decided that Oracle must return the numerous companies it has acquired over the past few years.
"The way of the new Larry requires that I make use only of that which I have created," Ellison told The Register. "To profit from the labor of others would not be in line with the high spirit's vibration."
Cisco CEO John Chambers has offered to set up a halfway house for companies stranded by Oracle's acquisition purge.
"Somebody has to do something," Chambers said. "Larry has finally lost his mind."
Ellison's wife Melanie Craft – who insisted we point out that she has never met Dr. Deftouche – has started work on a new romance novel about a billionaire who finds god, goes ape shit crazy and leaves all his cash to his young wife just before he dies during an ancient religious procedure known as "the great corpuscle." Craft claims that the new book, like her first about a billionaire who woos a trophy bride, derives no inspiration from her real life.
The whole finding god thing has finally given Ellison a point of differentiation from his technology elite peers. Bill Gates will always be richer. Steve Jobs will always be more charismatic. Jerry Sanders will always be better dressed. Scott McNealy will always be a better golfer. And Gordon Moore will always have a bigger law.
But when it comes to god, Ellison will be far closer to the deity than all the rest of those heathens.
Ultimately, what else can a man with such a shiny brain ask for? ®