Comments Studious teens can now take a course in "alcohol awareness" and earn a certificate equivalent to half a GCSE. The exam appears not to include a practical section, instead focussing on the dangers of drinking to excess. Always willing to discuss alcohol, you bit right in:
Happy days. I actually moved from lager to mild (i.e. the reverse of the El Reg recommended progression), but that was only because it was the only pint still less than £1 in our local. And that was a lot of pocket money is those days.
My Dad told me mild was made from collecting the dregs from the drip trays and pouring it into a barrel. Which would have explained the taste and the flatness...
I learn't more in 35 minutes within the Frog & Tampon than I did in all my years of schooling!
"[Excessive boozing can cause] impotence and impaired sexual enjoyment"
No problem. I get loads of email from people who can fix that.
Marky W, your dad is incorrect in his humourous explanation of how mild is produced. Mild is the drink of kings; a proper drinkers drink, sitting proudly alongside Mr Bitter and Mr Stout. Mr Lager is the late to the table ne'er do well who talks too loudly and interrupts. He is only tolerated by the others as he is related in some way, though he's clearly not from around these parts.
Elsewhere in the pub, Mr and Mrs Wine are rolling around on the floor grappling with their teenage daughter, Alcopop, who is screaming and laughing while simultaneously trying to defecate into the spitoon. In the corner, the Spirits family look on, disgusted, before rolling out into the street and going home.
You forgot about the others* in the British pub!
Where's 'ol Mr. Cider, sitting in the corner mumbling in his west-country brogue into his jug, with his sheepdog, Bess?
And what about Chantelle Liquer, the well known tart, at her own by the bar offering varied salacious pleasures to those of an ethically challenged nature?
Not to mention the Mixwer's, with their annoying yet overly-sweet little ADHD demons, the twins Coke & Pepsi (betchya can't tell 'em apart)?
Shame on you for neglecting to mention these bastions of our society's alcoholism problem.
*I of course no longer include Mr Cancer, who along with his wife and kids are now thankfully barred for smoking. Good riddance to 'em as well.
And just in case you need a bit of extra brainpower to pass the exam, boozing Kiwi boffins have proven that the equivalent of a couple of pints a day makes you smarter. We at Vulture Central all now cite this study whenever anyone is dithering over having one last pint before leaving. That or hold them down and force it between their lips.
Cliff's theory of the survival of the fittest brain cells now seems to be proven. The theory ran that alcohol kills brain cells, but of course it kills off the weak and unhealthy brain cells first (much as happens with grazing animals on the plains of Africa). This leaves just the fit, healthy and active brain cells left to run all your systems. Obviously the overconsumption of alcohol kills off more than just the weak cells and so gets the good ones which you need. This is also born out by this new study.
Alcohol under all its forms is continuously being proven to remedy many ailments. Cholesterol, heart conditions, and now, stupidity. Could it be that the Fountain of Youth is actually at the bottom of my bottle of Vodka ?
I'll let you know when I get there.
1. I want a job where I can electrocute drunk rats.
2. Research now has to be done to find out if Real Ale is better for your brain power than Cider.
3. If this is the case then I should have a IQ of about 200
I'm just waiting for experiments that prove that alcohol makes me much funnier and attractive to the opposite sex.
That's already been scientifically proved. It's just that the members of the opposite sex have to drink the alcohol, rather than you.