A Czech researcher has stayed out of the pub long enough to demonstrate that those scientists who don't follow his shining example produce fewer papers, attract fewer citations per paper, and fewer citations overall.
Thomáš Grim's grim findings, reported in the Journal of Unlikely Science, will certainly come as a terrible shock to those among you who are convinced that deep insights in superstrings and dark matter can only be achieved following rigorous intake of ale*, but there you have it.
It's not just the quality of boozing boffins' work that suffers, either. They might also risk depression, "lack of co-operation with others", and decreased employability prospects, according to Grim.
Grim is apparently perfectly placed to probe the link between alcohol and (lack of) scientific rigour, since the Czech Republic boasts the highest per-capita intake of beer in the world. His advice seems to be that to better advance humanity the eggheads among you should avoid both the boozer and the Czech Republic. Iran's nuclear programme seems to fit the bill nicely... ®
*Professor Innes Cuthill of the University of Bristol did indeed express surprise at Grim's results, telling the Journal of Unlikely Science: "I would have thought the relationship would have been the other way round." We'll drink to that.