Yes! It's Joyce McKinney, admits Joyce McKinney

Booger cloner 'fesses up to being Mormon-cuffer

The mystery that has gripped the world for days on end is finally resolved today as Bernann McKinney, keeper of cloned canids, admitted to being Joyce McKinney, molester of Mormon missionaries.

The Daily Mail mumbles surprisingly quietly that it was right all along and that the 57-year-old, who hotly denied that she was who she very clearly was, turned out to indeed be who she said she wasn't. Joyce McKinney had been using her middle name Bernann to trumpet her joy in the press when South Korean scientists provided her with five puppies cloned from her dead pit bull Booger, and insisted that despite having the same name and being physically identical, she was not the woman who kidnapped and sexually assaulted a Mormon missionary in 1977.

McKinney has now outed herself, explaining that she hoped her good deed would show people that she was a reformed character - not that she ever did anything bad before, of course. "I thought people would be honest enough to see me as a person who was trying to do something good and not as a celebrity," she sniffled. "I think I gave people too much credit."

Given the uncanny resemblance of the two McKinneys, observed by anyone with eyes last week, perhaps she meant to say "I didn't give people enough credit". In turn, we at the Reg would like to give props to McKinney for her altruistic work, um, paying boffins to make her some dogs.

For a recap on how ex-beauty queen McKinney stalked a Mormon missionary all the way to Surrey, kidnapped him at gunpoint then chained him to a bed before forcing him to have sex with her, then escaped back to the US disguised as a member of mime troupe, just click here.®