And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later."
After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth mover-cum-crust buster. On Friday, I will begin guiding this machine toward the center of the Earth, as I go on the most fantastic voyage
unknown to man.
Those of you who understand anything about crustal and core exploration will be pleased to learn that I've purchased vast quantities of aluminum foil and lubricant. My Haggenrozzle 2980 now looks like a true gooey, silver-plated dildonic worm of Justice. Hoorah!
You might wonder why I want to go to the center of the Earth and why I'm willing to take such a risk. Thats understandable.
Well, I've basically had it with technology and humanity. My housemaid Frieda has turned insubordinate, and my houseboy Gunter has started to regrow his arm hair. Meanwhile, Apple has come back from the dead by selling over-priced disk drives to a gullible public, and people have traded in their skepticism around Microsoft for worshiping Google.
As it happens, I have proof that Google is evil. I packed the proof into a condom full of heroin and swallowed it last week. When you people are ready to grow up, you can dig to the center of the Earth and sort through my guts and poo just to figure out how wrong you've been. (Or please talk to Pat Sajak. He knows the score. Think about it.)
Anyway, this is probably the last you will hear from me. I think it will take about a month to reach the Earth's core, and am not 100 percent convinced that this Reynolds Wrap is going to pass the magma test. Also, there's just enough room in the Haggenrozzle 2980 for two weeks' worth of provisions. But only pussies take the easy way out, and I'm pretty confident that there's an untapped food source about 12,800 feet into this thing we call home.
I've really enjoyed my time here at The Register and thank all of you who recognized how special I am.
Someone please take care of the cats. Send guns not flowers.
Viva Ceviche! ®
Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for 30 years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, knobbing it with Sara Lacy, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, fearing Intel Inside Chinese golf clubs, going to the center of the Earth, suppressing Bill Gates U, digesting head mash, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, finding the new Bill Gates at Facebook, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.