It was an epic night for nettards and social inadequates as Barack Obama beat that guy the Vietnamese tortured to become the United States' first
black African-American president-elect. And hey, it was all go down at Twitter, as the microblogging service exploded in a veritable bukkake of inanities and half-baked blogulations.
Miraculously, Twitter's servers were not targeted by members of the KKK and handled a, like, quite remarkable number of "tweets" - those hilarious 140-character election analysis comments. Here are 9 of our favourites:
9: One of Obi's most-discussed campaign innovations was announcing the name of his running mate (remind me, who is it exactly?) via txt. This not only bolstered his image as a happening, now, tech-savvy, street-wise kind of guy - sure to appeal to today's happening, now, tech-savvy, street-wise kids, but gave him a big list of cell numbers he could molest. Natch, no one was surprised when they they got the Election Day "vte fr me" call. Twitterer JoePlumber expressed his frustration: WTF? Obama! Fuck off and fucking leave me a-fucking-lone!
8: In the interest of shameless self-promotion, this one comes from El Reg's adsales pin-up, StrategyBoutiqueGroover who asked at the conclusion of Obama's music-filled victory speech Has this bloke been on the whalesong and joss-sticks? With CNN frontspersons snorting Bolivian marching powder like Al Pacino in Scarface in an attempt to stay awake for the Speech Which Changed The World™, he's got a point.
7: If you were too were cranked on Colombian naughty salt and able therefore to follow the election feed on Twitter during Obama's acceptance speech, you'll have noticed that at one point the conversation turned, like, entirely to puppies. Obama had promised his two young daughters that he'd give them a puppy if he won the election, and as he thanked his family in the speech he mentioned that, yes, they'd get the dog. From the Twittering commentards came plenty of OMGs and blesses and such, but Twitter user Dennis Wanger had a different thought in mind: obama, I don't like dogs - can I have a kitten instead? Or a hamster.
6: LA-based Twittard Bill Palmjob noticed that like literally everyone caught high election fever: homeless guy on Hollywood Blvd with a sign that says "Obama's kids aint the only ones who want a puppy" - now that's clever. McCain supporters, insert your demands for a pet here.
5: One of the most side-splittingly hilarious Twitter accounts to follow during the election was that of satire newspaper The Onion, and it was cooking with gas in the waggery stratosphere. Members of Twitter were encouraged to tag their tweets with #twitfelch to provide election updates; The Onion naturally started planting fake ones. The best of the bunch: #twitfelch 9:39 a.m. Dr Hilariously Monickered was denied a vote after he was shown to be nothing more than a Mexican wetback wearing a rubber Susan Sarandon mask.
4: Another pretty sweet tweet from The Onion: #twitfelch: 5:57 pm Donald Pauley of Botox, CA fled the polling station when his voting machine broke down.
3: As voting lines round the country stretched to total lengths greater than the distance between Paris Hilton's beautiful ears, CrunchTech blogger Pete aHa told everyone via Twitter to chill out: If you're stupid enough to wait three+ days to buy a fucking iPhone then you deserve to wait on line to vote for a week, you friggin' asshats. Crude, yes, but a good point, and well made.
2: It was a thrilling evening for Obama supporters, but some people have really been literally left out in the cold in their underwear - namely, late-night talk show hosts and stand-up comedians who have said in the past that the now-president-elect is simply too
black African-American to make jokes about. As Canuck comedian Peter Cianfrancisarooni Twittarded: Do you people have any idea how much more difficult you've made it for comedians? We needed Alaskan white MILF Palin gettin' a good ol' nailin' over the Oval Office desk! I hope you're all proud!
1. And our official "best election tweet" award goes to Twitter user C.Hick, who wrote about his voting experience: Officially just played the worst video game ever. You mark people with an "x" and then wait for almost forever for the country to be reborn into a new and beautiful age and then nothing fucking happens. ®
Caroline McCatheter, a Register staff writer, is a midtown Manhattanite happily addicted to electronic socio-media manipulation tools and sadomasochistic blogs. Her pre-Reg resume includes working for CNet and brewing antioxidant beverages in a San Francisco vegan burrito restaurant.