We're absolutely delighted to announce that Nokia Siemens Networks is in the final stage of its 'synergy-related headcount restructuring' in which a total of 9,000 workers are culled to the sound of whalesong.
Yup, this must rate as one of the greatest euphemisms ever for showing employees the door, and just to demonstrate how keen Nokia Siemens Networks is on the phrase, check out this press release on the matter.
Highlights include: "Nokia Siemens Networks has completed the preliminary planning process to identify the proposed remaining headcount reductions necessary to reach its previously announced synergy-related headcount adjustment goal."
There's more: "To date, the company has achieved an adjustment of more than 6,000 employees and continues to expect a total synergy-related adjustment of approximately 9,000 employees."
Oh go on then, let's have a quote from Simon Beresford-Wylie, chief executive officer of Nokia Siemens Networks: “With the successful completion of these plans, we will have the vast majority of the synergy-related headcount reductions completed and we can then start to put this chapter of our history behind us and focus on creating a world-class company.”
Not had enough synergy? Cue Bosco Novak, head of human resources at Nokia Siemens Networks: “It is our goal to engage constructively with employee representatives in Finland, Germany and other countries to quickly and fairly achieve these needed changes so we are able to remove the ongoing uncertainty that our employees have about synergy-related headcount reductions.”
Enough. We were going to count just how many times the press release uses the word "synergy", but for some reason completely lost the will to live about halfway down. We're off to the pub now, for some synergy-related reduction in the contents of pint glasses full of beer. ®
Thanks to Mike Richards for the tip-off.