Spare if you will this morning a thought for Sir Frederick Anderson Goodwin, aka "Fred the Shred", and former big swinging dick down at the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Since Fred's fall from grace, precipitated by the collapse of RBS, the UK media has expended billions of column inches insisting he be stripped of his knighthood and modest pension, and further paraded through the streets of Edinburgh atop a cart so that enraged taxpayers can vent their spleen with verbal abuse and volleys of rotting vegetables.
Well, things have got so hostile for Goodwin in his native land that he's now decided to move what little cash he has left to a more hospitable location, read on...
URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
I AM FREDERICK GOODWIN, LATE OF THE ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND, ENGLAND.
AFTER THE LOSS OF MY PRESTIGIOUS JOB MYSTERIOUSLY AS A RESULT OF POLITICAL INTERFERENCE BY GORDON BROWN, I WAS INFORMED BY OUR LAWYER, BELLO GAMBARI THAT, MY HOUSEKEEPER WHO AT THAT TIME WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE LOCAL WOMENS INSTITUTE CALLED HIM AND CONDUCTED HIM ROUND HER APARTMENT AND SHOWED HIM FOUR METAL BOXES CONTAINING MONEY ALL IN FOREIGN EXCHANGE AND SHE EQUALLY MADE HIM BELIEVE THAT THOSE BOXES ARE FOR ONWARD TRANSFER TO HER BROTHER IN SWITZERLAND FOR PERSONAL INVESTMENT.
ALONG THE LINE, MY GOLDFISH DIED AND SINCE THEN THE BRITOSH GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN AFTER US, MOLESTING, POLICING AND FREEZING OUR BANK ACCOUNTS AND EVEN MY PET DOG, "WUFFLES" RIGHT NOW IS IN DETENTION. MY PERSONAL PENSION FUND WORTH US$22,000,000 HAS BEEN CONFISCATED BY THE GOVERNMENT. THE SWISS GOVERNMENT IS INTERROGATING MY HOUSEKEEPERS BROTHER ABOUT HER INVESTMEMTS AND SOME VITAL DOCUMENTS. IT WAS IN THE COURSE OF THESE THAT OUR LAWYER SAW YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS FROM THE PUBLICATION OF THE SCOTTISH BUSINESS PROMOTION AGENCY. THIS IS WHY I AM USING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SOLICIT FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE TO HELP ME AS A VERY SINCERE RESPONSIBLE PERSON. I HAVE ALL THE TRUST IN YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT SIT ON THIS MONEY.
I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN CARRYING THE FOUR METAL BOXES OUT OF THE COUNTRY, WITH THE AID OF SOME TOP GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, WHO STILL SHOW SYMPATHY TO MY FAMILY, TO A NEIGHBOURING COUNTRY (JERSEY) TO BE PRECISE. I PRAY YOU WOULD HELP US IN GETTING THIS MONEY TRANSFERRED OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY. EACH OF THESE METAL BOXES CONTAINS US$5,000,000 (FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) AND TOGETHER THESE FOUR BOXES CONTAIN US20,000,000.00(TWENTY MILLION UNITED STATESDOLLARS ONLY). THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT WE HAVE MOVED TO JERSEY.
THEREFORE, I NEED AN URGENT HELP FROM YOU AS A MAN OF GOD TO HELP GET THIS MONEY IN JERSEY TO YOUR COUNTRY. THIS MONEY, AFTER GETTING TO YOUR COUNTRY, WOULD BE SHARED ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGE AGREED BY BOTH OF US.PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS MATTER IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AS THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT STILL HAS ME UNDER SURVAILLANCE.
YOU CAN CONTACT ME THROUGH MY FAMILY LAWYER AS INDICATED ABOVE AND ALSO TO LIAISE WITH HIM TOWARDS THE EFFECTIVE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION ON TEL/FAX N0:xxx-x-xxxxxxx AS HE HAS THE MANDATE OF THE FAMILY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.
THANKS AND BEST REGARD
SIR FRED GOODWIN
Good stuff. In case you're wondering where the "World's Worst Banker" tag came from, here's the website responsible, where you can put your name to petitions demanding Fred the Shred be put through the shredder. ®