Almighty rumpus in Swedish lesbian enclave

Drunken Welshmen cop a pink pasting


The news earlier this week that Chinese state news agency Xinhua had identified a hitherto unknown lesbian enclave buried deep in the forests of northern Sweden prompted sceptical commenters to demand photographic evidence of the sapphic paradise.

Well, ever eager to oblige, we've quite amazingly got hold of a photograph of a major rumpus at the woodland entrance to "Chako Paul City". Click on the pic for a bigger version, and read on...

Amazing scenes at the entrance of Chako Paul City

As Xinhua reported, the city is indeed guarded by two security operatives, augmented here by a member of the Mediaeval Order of Saint Navratilova. The Order's duties are mainly ceremonial - including guarding the revered Holy Merkin of Louise Brooks - but they can evidently roll out some serious firepower if the inviolability of Chako Paul City is threatened.

To the right of the checkpoint, two more blonde Nordic gender police have taken down a perving theatre fan who's just attempted to capture popular thesp and TV lesbo-snog vet Anna Friel's exposed assets on his mobile phone. Quite what Friel was doing naked in the woods is anyone's guess, but her agent assured El Reg it was "entirely artistically justifiable".

A shaken Friel is seen taking to her heels, while a member of the city's horse-mounted Ellen DeGeneres Division moves to cover her rear.

To the left, a roving radical Islamic cleric has just exploded with indignation at the sight of a Chako Paul City export container which he believes contains Artificial Virginity Hymens destined for Egypt.

In fact, it holds nothing more sinister than budget flat-pack pine furniture from the popular Agnetha Åse Fältskog range of bedside tables.

Last, but far from least, we have the main reason for the security kerfuffle: a couple of drunken Welshman who've each sunk ten pints of herring-flavoured vodka and tried to pick a fight with two passers-by in the belief that they could at worst be a couple of crossing-dressing cage fighters.

Unfortunately for them, their intended victims are actually black belts from the Chato GLB Ninja Assassin and Kickboxing Academy, who are treating the lads to the pasting of a lifetime. Jacques Chirac's exiled chien diabolique Sumo, meanwhile, is taking the opportunity to help himself to one of the boyo's undefended 'nads.

And that's just about it, except to say that if you're looking for pictures from inside Chako Paul City, you're out of luck. There's no way our man was going to chance his arm, even in a stag-night transvestite outfit, and the Xinhua photographer seen at bottom right has got distracted from his mission to penetrate the enclave and is grabbing some pics of our own snapper in the belief that he's one of the famous excessively tall photographers which, as Chinese legend tells, have been hunted to near extinction by UK police under the Prevention of Photographing Stuff, Anywhere, Act (2009). ®

Related stories

El Reg's world-famous Playmobil coverage can be found right here.

Similar topics

Narrower topics


Other stories you might like

  • Experts: AI should be recognized as inventors in patent law
    Plus: Police release deepfake of murdered teen in cold case, and more

    In-brief Governments around the world should pass intellectual property laws that grant rights to AI systems, two academics at the University of New South Wales in Australia argued.

    Alexandra George, and Toby Walsh, professors of law and AI, respectively, believe failing to recognize machines as inventors could have long-lasting impacts on economies and societies. 

    "If courts and governments decide that AI-made inventions cannot be patented, the implications could be huge," they wrote in a comment article published in Nature. "Funders and businesses would be less incentivized to pursue useful research using AI inventors when a return on their investment could be limited. Society could miss out on the development of worthwhile and life-saving inventions."

    Continue reading
  • Declassified and released: More secret files on US govt's emergency doomsday powers
    Nuke incoming? Quick break out the plans for rationing, censorship, property seizures, and more

    More papers describing the orders and messages the US President can issue in the event of apocalyptic crises, such as a devastating nuclear attack, have been declassified and released for all to see.

    These government files are part of a larger collection of records that discuss the nature, reach, and use of secret Presidential Emergency Action Documents: these are executive orders, announcements, and statements to Congress that are all ready to sign and send out as soon as a doomsday scenario occurs. PEADs are supposed to give America's commander-in-chief immediate extraordinary powers to overcome extraordinary events.

    PEADs have never been declassified or revealed before. They remain hush-hush, and their exact details are not publicly known.

    Continue reading
  • Stolen university credentials up for sale by Russian crooks, FBI warns
    Forget dark-web souks, thousands of these are already being traded on public bazaars

    Russian crooks are selling network credentials and virtual private network access for a "multitude" of US universities and colleges on criminal marketplaces, according to the FBI.

    According to a warning issued on Thursday, these stolen credentials sell for thousands of dollars on both dark web and public internet forums, and could lead to subsequent cyberattacks against individual employees or the schools themselves.

    "The exposure of usernames and passwords can lead to brute force credential stuffing computer network attacks, whereby attackers attempt logins across various internet sites or exploit them for subsequent cyber attacks as criminal actors take advantage of users recycling the same credentials across multiple accounts, internet sites, and services," the Feds' alert [PDF] said.

    Continue reading

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022