Pig plague alert: Our safe sex guide

How to get it on in these high-risk times

3: That Sinking Feeling

Anyone whose budget doesn't extend to full rubber jackets can still get their end away with this wallet-friendly option: take your partner from behind while her head is immersed in a sinkful of Tamiflu solution.

4: Remote Access

You're a tech-savvy crowd, so try this for size: the net-controlled orgasmatron, aka the iProd, allowing the full remote administration of pleasure from any PC. Handily, the UI looks like an Excel spreadsheet, so you can bring your other half to a shattering climax while your colleagues think you're doing your expenses.