We're very much obliged to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has produced a handy online guide detailing just what kind of damage our accident-prone American cousins managed to sustain between 1991 and 2008.
The data is gathered by the "National Electronic Injury Surveillance System" (NEISS) and represents a "sample of 100 hospital emergency rooms in the United States and its territories".
Florida's Sun Sentinel has posted a searchable full list of the more than 274,000 injuries reported in 2008, which immediately reveals that Americans really are nailgunning themselves towards extinction:
39YO WHITE MALE USING NAIL GUN-NAIL WENT THROUGH L 5TH DIGIT-DID PULL NAIL OUT BY SELF,DX PUNCTURE WOUND TO FINGER
25 YO MALE ACCIDENT SHOT NAIL GUN IN STOMACH F/B STOMACH
C/O IMPAILED NAILS IN R WRIST. PT DROPPED A NAIL GUN & IT FIRED TWICE. FB (NAILS) R WRIST.
37YOM AT HOME USING A NAIL GUN ACCIDENTLY SHOT NAIL INTO FOOT WAS WEARING TENNIS SHOES;PUNCTURED WOUND LT FOOT
A trawl of computer-related mishaps, meanwhile, demonstrates that IT is also doing its bit to cull the population:
(17-year-old male) ATTEMPTED TO BLINDLY PLUG COMPUTER IN SOCKET OR POWER BAR OUTLET,STUCK FINGER IN OUTLET,T-SHIRT WET W/SWEAT AT TIME, SHOCKED THRU FINGER;SHOCK
38YOF WENT TO SIT DOWN ON A LOW COMPUTER CHAIR WITH WHEELS,MISSED IT FELL STRIKING TAILBONE;COCCYX FRACTURE
(30-year-old female) PT SAT ON A FUNNY STOOL FOR FIVE HOURS WHILE USING THE COMPUTER AND DEV ELOPED SEVERE LOWER BACK PAIN STRAINED BACK
(12-year-old male) SITTING @ COMPUTER DESK&MOM ACCIDENTALLY DROVE THE MV INTO THE HOUSE,PU SHING THE DESK INTO PT'S CHEST WALL>>CONTS/ABRS
(65-year-old male) PT SUSTAINED A LACERATION OF A HAND WHEN STRIKING A BOOKSHELF IN FRUSTR ATION WITH COMPUTER AT HOME.
19 YOM HIT HIS COMPUTER 4-5 TIMES SUSTAINING A FRACTURED HAND
Well, we can all relate to that. If you can resist punching your PC for a few minutes, we invite you to enjoy this randomly-selected pick of highlights:
11 MTH OLD F ACCDENTIAL INGESTION CHILD ATE UNKNOWN AMT OF BIKINI ZONE GEL
(8-year-old male) "TRYING TO BE IRON MAN" AND JUMPED OFF OF A DECK 10FT HIGH. DX SPRAIN R/L FOREARM
35 YOM STATES VAGUELY REMEMBERS PUNCHING BEDROOM WINDOW IN HIS SLEEP, S USTAINED MULTIPLE SEVERE LACERATIONS TO RIGHT HAND INVOLVING TENDONS
(52-year-old female) ABSCESS OF RIGHT GREAT TOE - PATIENT MAY HAVE DROPPED A CAN OF VEGETABLES ON IT.
19 YO MALE HAS FUNGAL RASH FROM WRESTLING WHERE HE SHAVES PUBIC HAIR DERMATITIS
71 YOM WAS CARRYING A CASE OF BEER WHILE WALKING WITH HIS WALKER, TRIPP ED AND FELL SUSTAINING FACIAL CONTUSIONS AND A CHEEK LACERATION
Good on you, old timer. Better to go down to a case of beer than a case of, well...
64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS
Ouch. And if that doesn't make your eyes water, try these for size:
PATIENT GOT FORESKIN OF PENIS CAUGHT IN ZIPPER OF PANTS, NOT WEARING UN DERWEAR, CANNOT RELEASE SKIN; SKIN REMOVED
BEE STING/61YOM KNOCKED BEE HIVE OVER AND GOT STUNG ON PENIS WHEN BEE F LEW UP HIS SHORTS.
(16-year-old male) "DRY HUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND" W/PENIS RUBBING AGAINST HER JEANS,ACTIVITY WENT ON FOR EXTENDED PERIOD,PENIS STARTED BLEEDING DX: ABRASIONS PENIS
Crikey. Finally, for the benefit of our female readers, here are a few things you shouldn't try at home:
(34-year-old female) PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA,BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC
(70-year-old who) PUT A DEODORANT BOTTLE INTO HER VAGINA AND THE CAP IS STILL STUCK INSIDE. DX FOREIGN BODY VAGINA / REMOVED
(31-year-old female) BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL
Thanks to Mike Richards for the tip-off.