A 55-year-old described by the BBC as a 'man' and by Scotland's Daily Record as a 'pervert' has avoided jail after being spotted by neighbours having too much fun with too few clothes on a trampoline.
James Burden of Falkirk, a man of apparently hardy stock, was having a jolly good jump around on the apparatus in his back garden, at 5am on 25 March, in the nude. A neighbour who got up to go to the toilet happened to look out of the window and observed the boinging Burden with cigarette in one hand and - as Falkirk Sheriff Court heard - his "manhood" in the other. We at the Reg are impressed that at 5am on 25 March in Scotland, such a feat was even possible.
The Beeb reports that the shocked neighbour called the police who arrested Burden. He was charged with shameless indecency, and put on the sex offenders' register.
Burden admitted that his grip on his bits was indeed recreational and not simply a safety measure, and winningly confessed to performing the elaborate masturbatory manoeuvre "just for the thrill of it". He said he did not intend anyone to see him.
He pleaded guilty to a single charge of publicly exposing his person in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour's house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm. He received three years' probation, and a rather sinister assurance from Sheriff William Gallacher that non-compliance may result in his being "removed from the community".
Burden was promised he would be provided with the support he needs. Your punchline goes here. ®
As a special treat for our shuddering male readers, here's some hot chicks on a trampoline.