Wikileaks: Berlusconi useless, Pope Catholic

Shock 'revelations' shake western democracies


The release today of leaked US State Department cables is unlikely, despite some media claims, to shake western democracy to the very foundation of sub-prime mortgages on which it stands.

Among the Wikileaks shockers are the descriptions of Silvio Berlusconi as "feckless, vain, and ineffective as a modern European leader", French prez Nick Sarko as a "naked emperor" and Iranian supremo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as "Hitler".

If we consider further revelations that Prince Andrew has inherited his dad's loose tongue, the US sometimes spies on people, and China has used "internet outlaws" to hack into foreign computer systems, it's evident that it just remains for Wikileaks to expose a Hillary Clinton classified missive declaring the Pope "probably Catholic" to complete the dossier from the Department of the Bleedin' Obvious.

The only real eye-opener is that Colonel Gaddafi rarely travels without his Ukrainian nurse - a "voluptuous blonde". Whether she was recommended to him by Berlusconi and the feckless Italian's good chum Vladimir "Batman" Putin is not disclosed.

The coming weeks will see further Wikileaks exposés, assuming Chinese internet outlaws hired by the CIA at the behest of the King of Saudi Arabia don't do for the whistle-blowing website with a massive DDoS attack.

So, here's looking forward to some real dirt, including:

  • A top US official once described Kim Jong Il as "a bit like Hitler, but without the dog-loving vegetarian hang-ups".
  • The same official summarised Nicolas Sarkozy as "shorter than that Italian broad he hangs out with, but probably a bit taller than Kim Jong Il".
  • A high-level diplomat dismissed a proposed honeytrap operation against the Tory Party with the words: "We consider it unlikely the charms of Paris Hilton will prove effective on William Hague."
  • Senior US military figures warned that Iran had the capability to put a cloned dog into space "within 10 years".
  • The Yemeni government agreed to assume full responsibility for Sarah Palin in return for "substantial military aid".
  • A CIA memo conceded Google had "probably done some evil, somewhere".
  • A White House spokesman once admitted to a group of shocked Afghan government ministers that Linday Lohan "isn't up to much as an actress".
  • An internal Pentagon email described the iPad's lack of Flash as "dumbass".
  • The US Department of State planned to waterboard the entire population of San Francisco "to gain vital information on an alleged al-Qaeda plan to disastrously inflate seafood prices at Fisherman's Wharf". ®

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