Apple has gone full swivel-eyed, control-freak crazy on its own employees with a demented internal memo decrying information leaks.
"In 2017, Apple caught 29 leakers. 12 of those were arrested," says the terror missive from Cupertino, ironically leaked to Bloomberg. "Among those were Apple employees, contractors and some partners in Apple’s supply chain."
It then threatens long-lasting harm to anyone stupid enough to let anyone know anything about its products before, you know, it launches them and tries to sell as many as humanly possible.
"These people not only lose their jobs, they can face extreme difficulty finding employment elsewhere," the letter rants.
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But it's not all Apple employees' fault. No, it's evil journalists that are making them do terrible things.
"In many cases, leakers don’t set out to leak. Instead, people who work for Apple are often targeted by press, analysts and bloggers who befriend them on professional and social networks like LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook and begin to pry for information."
Yeah, those sons-of-bitches in the Fourth Estate are behind this.
"While it may seem flattering to be approached, it’s important to remember that you’re getting played."
"The success of these outsiders is measured by obtaining Apple’s secrets from you and making them public," the company argues, wrongly. "A scoop about an unreleased Apple product can generate massive traffic for a publication and financially benefit the blogger or reporter who broke it. But the Apple employee who leaks has everything to lose."
Ah, that's how journalism works
Ignoring the fact that Apple clearly has no idea how journalism actually works, you have to love the sheer amount of spittle-flecked invective directed at the very people that helped make Apple the success story it is.
Every Apple launch is covered by the select press invited to such events like it's a holy event, and with a blinkered positivity from many about what are often deeply flawed products. And for that, Apple hates them.
It also hates the journalists who don't fall over backwards praising it. And it particularly hates the ones that point out the ludicrous lengths and lies its PR people go to in preventing non-fawners from attending its events.
But in case Apple employees get too cosy hating journalists, there still some bile reserved for them.
"Leaking Apple’s work undermines everyone at Apple and the years they’ve invested in creating Apple products… The impact of a leak goes beyond the people who work on a particular project - it’s felt throughout the company."
We will, we will, catch you
Then it crows about how much money and effort it has put into surveilling its own staff.
"Investments by Apple have had an enormous impact on the company’s ability to identify and catch leakers. Just before last September’s special event, an employee leaked a link to the gold master of iOS 11 to the press, again believing he wouldn’t be caught," it notes.
You wanna know what happened to this Judas, this lower-than-pond-life scumbag?
"Within days, the leaker was identified through an internal investigation and fired."
Boom! And you know what else? "Global Security’s digital forensics also helped catch several employees who were feeding confidential details about new products including iPhone X, iPad Pro and AirPods to a blogger at 9to5Mac."
And just in case you haven't got the message yet, Apple lets it be known that it will make sure you feel the pain if you are sick enough to destroy its trust in you.
"Leakers do not simply lose their jobs at Apple. In some cases, they face jail time and massive fines for network intrusion and theft of trade secrets both classified as federal crimes."
What a lovely company. ®