BOFH: Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

Bastard and PFY's bulging sack of treats


Episode 19

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the workplace,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a cobbled-together robot, fashioned from
the remaining pieces of several other cobbled-together robots. Dressed in an elf suit.
Two stockings are hung by the Boss' door with care,
In the hopes that a bonus cheque soon will be there.

Security is snug in their office – after boozing
The Christmas punch overspiked to guarantee snoozing.
The Bastard and PFY at a monitor peering
To see if the Cayman's Bank transfer is clearing.

When out from the server room a clattering arises
"Sounds like a chiller fan," the PFY surmises
Away to the viewing screen the Bastard now dashes,
In time to see smoke, flame and a few lightning flashes.

"That's torn it" they gasp, as alerts start their bleeping
The siren is bound to end Security's sleeping.
Then up in Accounting, some figures start squirming
As suspicions of larceny get their confirming..

Down through the stairwell, the booted feet ring
As our two heroes recognise an Accountancy Sting!!!!
Shredding the cookies, zapping the cache,
Erasing the docs from the 16 gig flash.

The door crashing open and lawyers burst in,
Along with constabulary flashing their tin.
A warrant presented for searching of kit
To the casual observer it looks like... deep shit.

But smiles from our heroes – it's all a mistake
There's no banking transfer, just apologies to make.
A test of the audit code, simple as that
No money is missing, no need for "a chat".

The records are verified, while all remain calm
There's nothing amiss, a complete false alarm.
The law soon departing, security too,
The lawyers leave also, with fuck-all to do.

The Beancounters and HR agreed on a plan,
of instant dismissals for "abuse of the LAN".
Demanding to verify servers on-site,
They enter the machine room and flick on the light.

The servers all present and working as stated
Anger dissolving; job cuts abated.
The HR and Beancounter vocal threats cease
As a gloved finger presses on "Halon Release".

Auto door locking, the Halon clouds loom,
Preparing to dump into the server room.
But wait, HR rushes, vaults over a desk
And before you know what, "Halon Hold-Off" is pressed.

...

Here at a stalemate the two groups are gazing
through triple-thick layers of security glazing.
Then one HR droid pulls a phone from his coat
preparing to dial 9-9-9, with a gloat.

The chuckles from HR and beancounters start fading,
As "Santa's elf" flashes and starts activating.
Self-test completed, it blocks off the door,
Lifts up a floor tile, pulls up a saw.

2-Stroke. 125cc. Nice.

Panic breaks out as the workers avoid
A fully cranked chainsaw in the "hands" of a droid
Ten seconds later, a piezo fanfare,
as a crapload of Halon's released to the air.

Three minutes later the Robot's quiesced,
Chainsaw untainted, the workers "at rest".
An hour after that, Security find
Tragic misadventure (misadventure underlined).

'Twas the night before Christmas, as the lights start to fade
The only thing moving is "Transfer Replayed"...

Similar topics

Broader topics


Other stories you might like

  • AI tool finds hundreds of genes related to human motor neuron disease

    Breakthrough could lead to development of drugs to target illness

    A machine-learning algorithm has helped scientists find 690 human genes associated with a higher risk of developing motor neuron disease, according to research published in Cell this week.

    Neuronal cells in the central nervous system and brain break down and die in people with motor neuron disease, like amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease, named after the baseball player who developed it. They lose control over their bodies, and as the disease progresses patients become completely paralyzed. There is currently no verified cure for ALS.

    Motor neuron disease typically affects people in old age and its causes are unknown. Johnathan Cooper-Knock, a clinical lecturer at the University of Sheffield in England and leader of Project MinE, an ambitious effort to perform whole genome sequencing of ALS, believes that understanding how genes affect cellular function could help scientists develop new drugs to treat the disease.

    Continue reading
  • Need to prioritize security bug patches? Don't forget to scan Twitter as well as use CVSS scores

    Exploit, vulnerability discussion online can offer useful signals

    Organizations looking to minimize exposure to exploitable software should scan Twitter for mentions of security bugs as well as use the Common Vulnerability Scoring System or CVSS, Kenna Security argues.

    Better still is prioritizing the repair of vulnerabilities for which exploit code is available, if that information is known.

    CVSS is a framework for rating the severity of software vulnerabilities (identified using CVE, or Common Vulnerability Enumeration, numbers), on a scale from 1 (least severe) to 10 (most severe). It's overseen by First.org, a US-based, non-profit computer security organization.

    Continue reading
  • Sniff those Ukrainian emails a little more carefully, advises Uncle Sam in wake of Belarusian digital vandalism

    NotPetya started over there, don't forget

    US companies should be on the lookout for security nasties from Ukrainian partners following the digital graffiti and malware attack launched against Ukraine by Belarus, the CISA has warned.

    In a statement issued on Tuesday, the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency said it "strongly urges leaders and network defenders to be on alert for malicious cyber activity," having issued a checklist [PDF] of recommended actions to take.

    "If working with Ukrainian organizations, take extra care to monitor, inspect, and isolate traffic from those organizations; closely review access controls for that traffic," added CISA, which also advised reviewing backups and disaster recovery drills.

    Continue reading

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022