BOFH: I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone

Goals, reviews ... unexpected tragedies


Episode 13

"Okay, so we'll just work our way through last year's review and then move onto this year's one," the Boss says, fingering a couple of chunky wads of paper.

I hate review time. The only consolation I get from it is knowing that Bosses hate it as well. Everyone hates them - except for the drones from HR for whom this is probably justifies two staff EFTS alone.

"So. Agreed Goals," the Boss starts, leafing through last year's review, "Centralised Licensing Project."

"Yeah, I never did that."

"Why not?"

"Because of the review."

"What review?"

"I think you mean 'which review', not 'what'. So there was the review about standard remote workplaces that was supposed to talk about USB security and VPN access but actually talked about monitors and background images, the review of storage policy that wanted to know if we should use the cloud for storage or not, the review about network speed now that all our storage was in the cloud in some third world nation connected at blistering dialup speeds and which probably stores data in wooden platter hard drives because it's carbon neutral, the review about backup strategies and how wood mightn't have been as safe a media as we might have thought in a building fire, and finally the review about workplace safety in the light of the tragic accident that befell the man charged with starting the six former review processes. Then the conversation about the second tragic accident involving the reviewer working on the workplace safety review."

"So which one was this?"

"Was what?"

"The review that stopped you achieving this goal?"

"Oh, that. Technically it was half a review actually. So we started reviewing our licences and as part of the review process the reviewer guy audited all our printed licence media but tragically fell in front of a Circle line train in rush hour. Well, when I say fell I mean ..."

"... was pushed?"

"I mean we all said it was a tragic 'accident', but he'd been under a lot of pressure recently."

"I see."

"And to make things worse, he claimed to have proof that a lot of the licences we'd bought had actually been sold on eBay and that the company was instead running on completely pirated licences!!!"

"And what came of that?"

"Nothing. We gave him the licence documents and I guess the ... shame ... of making such a ludicrous claim ... uh ... drove him over the edge. It really was very tragic, because the company was just about to appoint him as a full-time IT auditor. It just goes to show that you never can tell."

"So we didn't bother investigating the licences any further?"

"No. Well there was no point - they were all lost in the accident."


"Lost?"

"Yeah, they were in his briefcase and blew everywhere. The PFY saw the whole thing."

"He saw the whole thing?"

"Yes, he was on his way home."

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