Poll The moment has arrived for you, our beloved cinemagoing readers, to vote for the worst movie never made.
To recap, we invited submissions for an imaginary nightmare celluloid creation more hideous than this cinematic list of shame - the 10 worst films ever made, according to El Reg readers:
- Battlefield Earth
- The Phantom Menace
- Highlander II
- The Blair Witch Project
- The Matrix Reloaded
- Megashark vs Giant Octopus
- Snakes on a Plane
We've worked our way through your proposals, and selected 15 for the final vote. Before we get to it, though, we'd like to explain that the selection process was based purely on what tickled our personal fancy.
While we would have preferred a more developed plot outline, cast list and so forth, you'll see that some of the finalists provided the barest of details. These made the final cut because it wasn't really necessary, or indeed advisable, to expand on the concept.
Two similarly bare-bones entries which aren't in our poll are The Teletubbies, directed by John Carpenter (proposed by TheOtherHobbes), and Teletubbies vs Predator (anonymous submission).
We did actually ask for the worst film never made, and I'd personally pay good money to see either of the above.
Right, let's get on with it. Here are the 15 finalists' pitches, followed by the poll. The ultimate winner will get DVDs of the aforementioned top 10 worst films. The runner-up will get the top five titles, while third place will get a copy of Battlefield Earth...
Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space
Submitted by Novafix
Kelly Osbourne (voiced by Joe Pasquale) stars as an entitled teen judge who was never accepted by her peers. She embarks on a cosmic voyage in a the space ship Caterwaul to conduct a sensational trial in the stars. She is tasked with representing herself against herself (voiced by Jeremy Kyle) after a hilarious mix-up with a teleport machine. She is supported by a wise-cracking Spider Monkey called ‘Mr Funk’ who is a CGI rendition of herself tweaked into Monkey form (voiced by Janet Street Porter).
Heading a long-winded distress call (voiced by William Hague), she lands on Iceland (a planet made from abandoned Iceland supermarkets launched into space). As she works her way through the thousand-year-old Sausage Rolls, over the course of 25 horrific minutes, she is attacked by a tiny crab-like creature with 10 faces (all Kelly Osbourne’s) which implants a tiny version of herself into herself (voiced by Salt of Salt 'n' Peppa fame). While on the planet she meets an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike (played by herself, voiced by Morgan Freeman) with whom she has a romantic fling but can never decide if he likes her or the constant smell of mechanically recovered pork meat.
The plot is a rollercoaster ride to acquit Osbourne of a crime she can’t remember if she did or not before she hatches from herself in what the ship's Android version of herself (voiced by Chris Rock) has predicted will be ‘like a bag of shit exploding from a grotesque Russian Doll’.
The director is Ezio Greggio.
Submitted by Gareth Webb
A romantic musical set to the harmonious melodies of Tommyknocker starring Jim Carrey and Tom Cruise.
Fuchs and Sachs are two conveyancing lawyers from east London who become embroiled in an evil plot to exploit the hardworking energy drink consuming, honest common folk of Dagenham by fixing the price of aluminium. As they battle for justice in the dark underworld of the beverage canning industry, they must also battle to come to terms with the new love they have found for each other just as Fuchs (Carrey) discovers he has three weeks to live.
As You Would Be Done By
Submitted by Ala Anvari*
Hilarious sci-fi/rom-com/courtroom drama in which a paedophile with a conscience invents a time machine so he can abuse a child guilt-free – ie, himself. Executive produced by the late Michael Jackson, who contributed numerous songs including Man in the Mirror.
Bladerunner Zero : Deckard Vs Deckard
Submitted by Gamecoder
Los Angeles, the near future... Shot in one continuous four-hour take, and with over 24 months of post procession to bring you never before seen visuals, this film tells the story of ex-special forces and rookie cop Deckard as he battles with a corrupt superior officer, Roy Blatty, and a loveless disintegrating marriage at home, whilst fighting to clear the name of his father, who was crippled in a unicorn rodeo.
Rick Deckard: NICHOLAS CAGE, Rick Holden: NICHOLAS CAGE, Rick Deckard Jnr: JUSTIN BIEBER, Dave Deckard : SEAN CONNERY, Roy Blatty: JOAQUIN PHOENIX, Jo-Anne Deckard : RIHANNA, Dr Voight: JOHN CLEESE, Voice-over of Rick Deckard: ANTHONY HOPKINS.
Music by U2.
Special Effects by JIM HENSON'S CREATURE WORKSHOP.
Directed by GEORGE LUCAS
The C Programming Language
Submitted by Jolyon Ralph
Original by Kernighan and Richie
Screen adaption by J.J. Abrams
Diana - The 3D Movie!!!
Submitted by Ken Parsons.
Cameron Diaz: Lady Diana Spencer.
Keanu Reeves: Dodi al Fayed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Prince Charles.
Dennis Hopper: Henri Paul.
Queen Elizabeth II / Camilla Parker Bowles: Adam Sandler.
The Duke of Edinburgh: Gary Oldman.
With Tom Cruise as Mohammed al Fayed.
Directed by George Lucas.
Human Centipede: Infinity Sydrome
Submitted by Bush_rat
Set in modern day, a mad scientist, inspired by other Human Centipedes, has hatched a plan to sew together 10 men and women ass to mouth, creating a circle.
This loop will feed itself and accelerate fecal matter so fast as to create an infinite supply of energy.
Keys to the City: The Terry Childs story
Submitted by Paul Smith
The true story of the brave operator who fought a city and won!
A Kathryn Bigelow docudrama.
Written by Salman Rushdie, based on the Rush Limbaugh article.
Starring Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy and Mia Farrow.
Submitted by Marketing Hack
120 minutes of stock footage of oil spills, mining, garbage dumps, warfare and recent world political leaders with Fran Drescher doing the voiceover and Al Gore singing What a Wonderful World over the closing credits...
Mel Gibson's The Life of Baal Shem Tov
Submitted by Nicholas EGF Berry
Mike Leigh's Cleopatra
Submitted by Mike Richards
The majesty of Imperial Rome and the beauty of the Nile reimagined as life on a 1970s Dagenham Council estate starring Leslie Grantham and Katie Price.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Live Action Fanservice Edition
Submitted by Susan Y
Director: Alex Cox
Shinji Ikari (Cate Blanchett in drag) is a whiny loser who is bullied at school. Luckily for Shinji, all his bullying problems come to an end when robots from outer space invade Earth and his former classmates are incinerated in an atomic blast. Even better for Shinji, the Christian lady who rescues him from the ruins (Linda Fiorentino) is really foxy, and has an interest in boys his age. It turns out that Shinji's father Gendo (Michael Myers) has a really cool underground hideout with robots and guns and stuff. While there he meets Asuku Langley Soraya (Miranda Richardson), who is really into blowing stuff up, even though she's a girl. But even though he kind of likes Asuka, he really wants Rei Ayanami (Tina Fey) because she's a clone of his mom, and having it off with her would be like doing it with his mom. Sadly, Shinji's luck comes to a end when the Japanese Interior Ministry (not know for their efficiency or competence) finally figure out that Gendo is an Evil Genius, and send in Harry Dean Stanton. More stuff gets blown up, and people get killed.
On a Pale Horse
Submitted by Jon 68
Screenplay by Michael Crichton, as adapted from the Piers Anthony classic. Only a truly epic character actor can fully realise the inner turmoil of Zane, the man who's become the true Incarnation of Death, so for that role we have to stress, no one short of Zak Galifff... however you spell his name...
The other Incarnation would be filled out by a cast of truly epic proportions:
Murphy in a fat suit would play Chronos.
M Night Shamalamadingdong would portray Ares/WAR, in conjunction with his unique ability to do true justice and bring this to the screen as director.
Nature would be portrayed by a scantily clad Whoopi Goldberg. The three Fates, portrayed by Jewel, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears.
The list goes on and on...
And in an interesting twist, Executive Producer Nicolas Cage (and primary funding source) is completely convinced the only way to accurately represent the deep emotions in the original novel is as a musical, with Skrillex providing the score.
On Bended Knees: The Monica Lewinsky saga
Submitted by Gaurav Mehta **
A musical in Aramaic
Directed by Mel Gibson
Starring Celine Dion and Jar-Jar Binks
Phantom Menace - The Musical
Submitted by GitMeMyShootinIrons
Director - Steven Spielberg
Creative Director - Elton John
Anakin - Justin Bieber.
Amidala - Barbara Streisand.
Jar-Jar Binks - Eddie Murphy.
*Has previous form for this kind of tomfoolery. See here.
**A special mention for "Whitter", who offered the alternative title Monica Lewinsky: Straight from the Horse's Mouth.