April Fool Your correspondent reports from 2023, via some kind of freak time continuum loop vortex in Google's soon-to-be-killed-dangerously-revolutionary Reader tool which has brought you tomorrow's news before it's even happened yet. Like, wow!
That dying and completely irrelevant web advertising dinosaur Facebook, whose balding, rarely seen founder Mark Zuckerberg now sluggishly rests his big butt on the board of directors from which he occasionally barks orders at sweating execs to "buy something, ANYTHING", has gone and done exactly that.
I can feverishly whisper to my 2013 readers who have bravely entered this portal at risk of chronoloop implosion that in this post-web world where search has been implanted directly into people's brains by a Google-run world government that regulates the news in a good-spirited and open way (honest*) - a new teenage star is on the rise with his groundbreaking, disruptive app** Dummly.
It really is going to shake things up, apparently. In fact, Zuck has splurged zillions of Bitcoins on the outfit, which started life in a floppy-haired rich kids' bedroom in a wealthy South London neighbourhood.
Who is this boy wonder, you might ask?
A profile approved by Googly gov bods is slowly streaming into the Hive Mind to bring forth thrilling facts:
- Name: Dick D'Miner
- Birth date: 2006 (day - intriguingly - unknown)
- His dad is rich
- His mum is richer
- His best friend, naturally, is Stephen Fry
"Dummly thinks so you don't have to," according to the blurb. It flicks through genetic algorithms that use organic metrics to understand how the human brain works. And, most importantly, it's NOT a robot.
Dummly has numerous functions that don't even require interaction from the human it is ultimately
improving***. That's because it knows you better than you know yourself.
It can be probing: "You need to change your pants now." Motherly: "Do you really have to drink another beer, dear?" Philosophical: "Every human component that you are made up of is searchable now." Sexy: "You need boobies, don't you?"
The Facebook of 2023 meanwhile, readers, is deeply different to the one you know back in your era of the past. It's become an open joke to call it a website! Innovation on the network dried up years ago with Zuckerberg's execs feeding off of the past glories of ad placements pioneered by Google - which long ago moved into subliminal messaging with its range of glasses, socks, belts and pacemakers.
It was that final genius move - literally into the hearts of congressmen - that led Google, not just up to the steps of government, but into the dad chair with the remote control ... of government.
No wonder, then, that Facebook is hoping to regenerate its flailing network by enlisting Outernet prodigy Mr D'Miner ...
Sombre troubled editor note
We've lost contact with future Kelly, who had filed this report somehow via our own future content management system from which it was scraped by Google and thence in some way appeared in the doomed Reader tool of now where it was read by a (now rather nervous) present-day Kelly Fiveash. We're amazed, frankly, that she got that far. We're hoping that future Kelly may manage to file more copy from 2023 in such a way that we can read our own future content before Reader is closed down and - presumably - the chrono loop thingy packs it in, so proving that present day Kelly will not, in fact, be assassinated by means of exploding Google brain implant just ten years from now.
We've also, puzzlingly, just discovered in our system a vast number of hardcopy expenses claims for various kinds of implausible future booze, self-driving taxis etc, apparently filed by Kelly from as far in the future as 2043, so she may be going to be alright. - Ed ®
* OK, that might be untrue. But maybe they are listening!
** Apologies if some of my vernacular is stale - but I've only been in 2023 for about 10 minutes. Bear with!!
*** The Google thought police are closing in. Help!!!