Big Data? Huge Data? No, we're talking God Damn Bloody Enormous Data™
Another attractive offering, the allied spook services believe, will be their analytical and database services.
"These commercial so-called 'Big Data' operations are small-time," says our source. "Their data is picayune in scope - it ought to be called 'Titchy Data,' really - and they frankly have no idea how to mine it.
"They trawl through a load of old rubbish and say they'll come up with, I don't know, sales leads - and do they? No. 'Data Scientists', my arse.
"To be fair, we ourselves don't always have a whole lot of luck spotting people who are thinking of doing some terrorism: but it's a hell of a lot easier to spot, say, people who are thinking of getting some new computers for the office. They're just not as secretive about it, and there are a lot, lot more of them. D'you know, sometimes I think there just aren't many terrorists at all?
"Anyway, our God Damn Bloody Enormous Data™ packages are going to turn the enterprise computing space upside down - and there's no need to worry about lock-in. Your existing provider can't lock you in because we've got all your data already! And as a bonus we also have a load of other useful data you really wish you had, but that would be illegal - in your case.
"It's completely turn-key in nature - we can start as soon as you ask us. In fact we'll probably know you're going to ask us, certainly if you mention it to anyone using any form of electronic communications, and you'll find we've already started before you get in touch.
"In fact, hey, there's no need to contact us at all. Just tell someone you're thinking of giving us a try - and we'll call you.
"Yeah - howd'ya like that, Ellison?"
We asked our source if the NSAaaS™ and GDB Enormous Data™ products will be free to use, like the consumer/SME Catcher-in-the-Spy™ backup service.
"Well, it will be free in a way," he said. "Under our plans your company will have access to GDB Enormous Data™ for absolutely no charge ... provided it handles a certain percentage of its revenues via Five-Eyes nations for tax purposes. After all, we've got to keep the bills paid.
"Obviously that's going to be pretty expensive for some big firms compared to the way they handle their tax affairs now. But they need to ask themselves - can we afford NOT to be in on this?"
We speculated that forcing major firms to pay taxes could be a popular move with American, British and other Five-Eyes voters.
"Well, that's kind of the idea, as I understand it," our source said. "We're trying to get across to people that we're a massive powerful totally secret and unaccountable force for good in a lot of ways they didn't realise. We're not just drone missile strikes in Waziristan, or a black-ops SWAT team on your lawn if you accidentally speak a trigger phrase on the phone.
"We're so much more than that. We want to try to tell people: the fact that we've got all of your information is actually a positive thing and unlocks really a huge amount of potential for you and mankind. And us, sure.
"Information does want to be free: and, you know, we like to think we've freed it, from the millions - no, billions - of prisons it was being held in."
Regular readers will no doubt be aware that from time to time highly confidential information reaches the Register. In order to achieve secure communications with a source we usually suggest the use of asymmetric encryption employing our public key (included in full below).
On receiving an encrypted message we generally send a disguised reporter to purchase a brand new computer, with cash, from a retail outlet selected using a randomisation process based on cosmic ray impacts. We never connect this computer to the internet, and use it only once to decrypt the message. The machine is then forensically destroyed in the office arc furnace*.