Me give you $14 squillion gadziddly-dillion

It's the Pathetic Shark Phishers

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Youtube Video

I wish to notify you that my Late client Late. Engr. Alberto Gruber made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Seventeen Million Two Hundred Thousand Dollars (US$17,200.000.00) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

After many years of relative calm in my spam box, a slow but steady stream of unsolicited comedy nonsense is once again making its way to me from inept Nigerian criminals. Here’s the funny thing – this time, I am not finding it annoying. Indeed, the return of the crap phisher has cheered me up immensely in the face of the darkening winter afternoons.

It’s like a dear old friend has knocked on the door bearing a box of chocolates and a bottle of port – with the obvious caveat that both the box and the bottle are empty. Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Everything about crap phishing attacks is a cause for celebration. They represent a creative tour-de-force of logical ineptitude often combined with impenetrable written expression as befits a criminal for whom English is a 17th language.

Take the introductory paragraph above, cut and pasted from an example recently received from one ‘Barrister Trevor H. Alfons (Principal Partner)’ just last week. I love his use of unnecessary and random initial capitals. I adore his confused little turns of phrase such as my Late client Late. I am infatuated with the way he is incapable of referring to a "will" without typing WILL in upper case over and over again. I want to marry and have babies with the fact that his email subject line is an expertly unconvincing and thoroughly unpersuasive "Hello!!"

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true.

That’s all right, then. I was worried for a few moments that your email was going to be total bollocks. However, Trevor (heh), I’m not sure that I ever knew this Gruber dude.

Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good.

Wished me good… what? Good health? Good night? Good vibrations? Good will hunting? Good nessgraciousgreatballsoffire?

He had a very good heart and loved to give out.

It’s my assumption that, what with him being dead and everything, his heart probably wasn’t very good at all. That said, I’m intrigued by his propensity to "give out" but now we’ll never know what that meant. Nor, I suppose, will the police.

According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help the poor and the needy in our society.

Now I know for certain that the email was intended for someone else. Ah well, if I have time, I might send an email to Trevor H. Alfons (Principal Partner) at his professional er... address to advise him of his error. What a shame – I had been looking forward to a prolonged and unproductive correspondence with our Trev. No matter, another piece of email slapstick has turned up to keep me amused.

My name is Kong Hui, I work with the hang seng Bank, Hong Kong.

Yes, that will explain your email address and your inability to type "Hang Seng" properly, which I assume means you work in the bank’s Illiterate Section. But do please go on, Hong Kong Hui. You sound like a number-one super guy, possibly even quicker than the human eye.

Youtube Video

I have a business proposition for you involving the sum of $14,300,000.00 Million Dollars in my bank that would be of benefit to both of us If interested.

Hang on, did you just proposition me with $14,300,000 million dollars? That works out at $14,300,000,000,000. No wonder you typed "Interested" with a capital "I". Tell me more.

Regards, Kong Hui.

Oh. I’ve lost interest. And Interest. Hang on a mo, what’s this that’s just arrived from a "Sr. Domingo Johnson"?

We like to notify you that we have a package for you in our transit unit post here in Madrid Barajas Airport (Cargo Department). We advice you to call or send us email with a confirmation of your full name, address and telephone number.

Thanks for "advicing" me, Dom Johnson. I will be happy to send you my full name, address and telephone number, along with my bank card PIN, my car keys, the deeds to my house and an anal selfie for good measure.

From our database, it shows your package is coming in with a high priority delivery (highly classified package), so you should attend to this case promptly.

Golly, this all sounds very exciting, Dom. Or should I call you "Gregory Matthew" at (surprise surprise), since that’s your reply email address? I also notice you have insisted that I reply to you "promptly" three times in just six sentences, so I have put a reminder in my calendar to get back to you in early February. 2016. I don’t have time for your classified packages now because I must attend instead to the following:

Broader topics

Other stories you might like

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022