Bong Ventures LLC: We've been cyberhacked

Full disclosure

¡Bong! Recent press reports have appeared suggesting that Bong Ventures LLC suffered a serious sustained cyber-attack resulting in the release of petabytes of confidential data onto the internet. We can confirm reports are true.

In order to maintain the confidence of investors and partners, BongVentures LLC has decided to disclose more fully the nature of the cyber-attack and the material that was stolen.

Security experts retained by Bong Ventures LLC believe the attacks commenced in late 2013 following the visit of Chairman and CEO Stephen P Bong to North Korea, and are retribution for a Bong Ventures-authored "Nextification Strategy" North Korea believes was unsuccessful, and was designed to weaken the powerful economy of the Juche state.

We believe the following property was illegally obtained and may eventually be released in its entirety:

  • Passwords to a number of financial and internet services, including Swiss banks, that were held securely in an Apple Numbers for iPad spreadsheet.
  • Approximately 950 terabytes of adult anime  [can you add "Needed for market research"?? - spb]
  • Source code and mirror copies of website "The Silk Road"
  • Draft scripts and rushes of in-production movie The Transformation Lady - a biopic of Martha Lane Fox, Baroness Fox of Soho.
  • Confidential negotiations with the Entertainment Booking Agency (EBA) for the casting of Meryl Streep in title role of The Transformation Lady
  • Confidential correspondence with The Cabinet Office, The Arts Council and UKTI Services for financial support related to casting for The Transformation Lady
  • Confidential correspondence between CEO Steven P Bong, entrepreneur and thinkfluencer Rohan Silva and biologist Professor EO Wilson on the subject of "the entrepreneur ant"
  • Confidential discussion with Mr Cameron Mackintosh for speculative stage musical The Entrepreneur Ant.
  • Confidential diplomatic SnapChats with Tech Ambassador to the Mayor of London, Mr Mike Butcher.
  • Draft material for project "Gov 3.0", jointly funded by Cabinet Office, envisioning the replacement by 2020 of all paper and web-based forms used in citizen-government transactions with gamification experiences.
  • Confidential business plans and intellectual property relating to BongVentures investments, including:
    • Minute of Code (passim)
    • MegaSlurp: an innovative movie-distribution platform (joint venture with Kim Dotcom)
    • Ploppr: an Uber for crowdsourced fertiliser, jointly funded with DEFRA
    • eNoseGay: Concierge service – cleans up after the mess left by Ploppr
    • Pimpr – Revolutionary sharing economy app which enhances your ability to monetise drunken indiscretions, all for an undisclosed sum neatly transacted with a swipe of the handy handy icon...
    • MayDayMayDay: A personalised SOS service where users can choose a Spotify playlist to help their assailants "chill out" - thus minimising the savagery of a beating
    • Groomr: A "Spotify for pet valets"
  • Personal music collection of BongVentures LLC CEO Steven P Bong including unreleased material by The Grateful Dead, Vangelis, and ?indistinct? [Balkan dubstep - spb]

In light of the gravity of the cyber-attacks, Bong Ventures LLC will take full responsibility and blame someone else. All passwords have been changed from the previous default "GarlandofFlowers". ®

Follow Steve on Twitter and Win a Mini.

Steve Bong (official title: Lord Bong of #businessmodel) is the founder of Bong Ventures, an early stage investor and incubator focussing on innovative new technology start-ups based in Shoreditch, London. When he's not helping rear the next generation of business models, Steve enjoys parties and foreign travel, extreme cuisine, Open Data and draws his inspiration from Ayn Rand and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. He advised (then hired) No.10 policy guru Rohan Silva on mindfulness and innovation, Lily Cole on innovation in giving, Mark Zuckerberg on the Perfect IPO, the Republic of Kazakhstan on emergent social media strategies, LOCOG on brand enforcement, and imagineered the Olympic Opening Ceremony with Danny Boyle, Shoreditch's #guardian coffee coffee shop with Jemima Kiss, and was the social media consultant for Edward Snowden and Lady Thatcher’s Funeral. A recent attempt to arm the Syrian rebels with iOS7 sadly failed, however. He emphatically declined to assist the Islamic Caliphate in creating viral and engaging content, however.

At the personal invitation of Kim Jong Un, he is a strategic consultant on the Nextification of North Korea . Steve wants to pivot the BBC into the 22nd Century, blue-skying its hugely successful Digital Media Initiative, and advises the UK Government on icon design and the new National Curriculum. He favours Small Government but Large Catapults, the Soft Power of Tiny Coding Fingers, and wants more taxpayers to engage in Ambient Crowdsourcing.

Other stories you might like

  • Experts: AI should be recognized as inventors in patent law
    Plus: Police release deepfake of murdered teen in cold case, and more

    In-brief Governments around the world should pass intellectual property laws that grant rights to AI systems, two academics at the University of New South Wales in Australia argued.

    Alexandra George, and Toby Walsh, professors of law and AI, respectively, believe failing to recognize machines as inventors could have long-lasting impacts on economies and societies. 

    "If courts and governments decide that AI-made inventions cannot be patented, the implications could be huge," they wrote in a comment article published in Nature. "Funders and businesses would be less incentivized to pursue useful research using AI inventors when a return on their investment could be limited. Society could miss out on the development of worthwhile and life-saving inventions."

    Continue reading
  • Declassified and released: More secret files on US govt's emergency doomsday powers
    Nuke incoming? Quick break out the plans for rationing, censorship, property seizures, and more

    More papers describing the orders and messages the US President can issue in the event of apocalyptic crises, such as a devastating nuclear attack, have been declassified and released for all to see.

    These government files are part of a larger collection of records that discuss the nature, reach, and use of secret Presidential Emergency Action Documents: these are executive orders, announcements, and statements to Congress that are all ready to sign and send out as soon as a doomsday scenario occurs. PEADs are supposed to give America's commander-in-chief immediate extraordinary powers to overcome extraordinary events.

    PEADs have never been declassified or revealed before. They remain hush-hush, and their exact details are not publicly known.

    Continue reading
  • Stolen university credentials up for sale by Russian crooks, FBI warns
    Forget dark-web souks, thousands of these are already being traded on public bazaars

    Russian crooks are selling network credentials and virtual private network access for a "multitude" of US universities and colleges on criminal marketplaces, according to the FBI.

    According to a warning issued on Thursday, these stolen credentials sell for thousands of dollars on both dark web and public internet forums, and could lead to subsequent cyberattacks against individual employees or the schools themselves.

    "The exposure of usernames and passwords can lead to brute force credential stuffing computer network attacks, whereby attackers attempt logins across various internet sites or exploit them for subsequent cyber attacks as criminal actors take advantage of users recycling the same credentials across multiple accounts, internet sites, and services," the Feds' alert [PDF] said.

    Continue reading

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022