Bong Ventures LLC: We've been cyberhacked

Full disclosure

¡Bong! Recent press reports have appeared suggesting that Bong Ventures LLC suffered a serious sustained cyber-attack resulting in the release of petabytes of confidential data onto the internet. We can confirm reports are true.

In order to maintain the confidence of investors and partners, BongVentures LLC has decided to disclose more fully the nature of the cyber-attack and the material that was stolen.

Security experts retained by Bong Ventures LLC believe the attacks commenced in late 2013 following the visit of Chairman and CEO Stephen P Bong to North Korea, and are retribution for a Bong Ventures-authored "Nextification Strategy" North Korea believes was unsuccessful, and was designed to weaken the powerful economy of the Juche state.

We believe the following property was illegally obtained and may eventually be released in its entirety:

  • Passwords to a number of financial and internet services, including Swiss banks, that were held securely in an Apple Numbers for iPad spreadsheet.
  • Approximately 950 terabytes of adult anime  [can you add "Needed for market research"?? - spb]
  • Source code and mirror copies of website "The Silk Road"
  • Draft scripts and rushes of in-production movie The Transformation Lady - a biopic of Martha Lane Fox, Baroness Fox of Soho.
  • Confidential negotiations with the Entertainment Booking Agency (EBA) for the casting of Meryl Streep in title role of The Transformation Lady
  • Confidential correspondence with The Cabinet Office, The Arts Council and UKTI Services for financial support related to casting for The Transformation Lady
  • Confidential correspondence between CEO Steven P Bong, entrepreneur and thinkfluencer Rohan Silva and biologist Professor EO Wilson on the subject of "the entrepreneur ant"
  • Confidential discussion with Mr Cameron Mackintosh for speculative stage musical The Entrepreneur Ant.
  • Confidential diplomatic SnapChats with Tech Ambassador to the Mayor of London, Mr Mike Butcher.
  • Draft material for project "Gov 3.0", jointly funded by Cabinet Office, envisioning the replacement by 2020 of all paper and web-based forms used in citizen-government transactions with gamification experiences.
  • Confidential business plans and intellectual property relating to BongVentures investments, including:
    • Minute of Code (passim)
    • MegaSlurp: an innovative movie-distribution platform (joint venture with Kim Dotcom)
    • Ploppr: an Uber for crowdsourced fertiliser, jointly funded with DEFRA
    • eNoseGay: Concierge service – cleans up after the mess left by Ploppr
    • Pimpr – Revolutionary sharing economy app which enhances your ability to monetise drunken indiscretions, all for an undisclosed sum neatly transacted with a swipe of the handy handy icon...
    • MayDayMayDay: A personalised SOS service where users can choose a Spotify playlist to help their assailants "chill out" - thus minimising the savagery of a beating
    • Groomr: A "Spotify for pet valets"
  • Personal music collection of BongVentures LLC CEO Steven P Bong including unreleased material by The Grateful Dead, Vangelis, and ?indistinct? [Balkan dubstep - spb]

In light of the gravity of the cyber-attacks, Bong Ventures LLC will take full responsibility and blame someone else. All passwords have been changed from the previous default "GarlandofFlowers". ®

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Steve Bong (official title: Lord Bong of #businessmodel) is the founder of Bong Ventures, an early stage investor and incubator focussing on innovative new technology start-ups based in Shoreditch, London. When he's not helping rear the next generation of business models, Steve enjoys parties and foreign travel, extreme cuisine, Open Data and draws his inspiration from Ayn Rand and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. He advised (then hired) No.10 policy guru Rohan Silva on mindfulness and innovation, Lily Cole on innovation in giving, Mark Zuckerberg on the Perfect IPO, the Republic of Kazakhstan on emergent social media strategies, LOCOG on brand enforcement, and imagineered the Olympic Opening Ceremony with Danny Boyle, Shoreditch's #guardian coffee coffee shop with Jemima Kiss, and was the social media consultant for Edward Snowden and Lady Thatcher’s Funeral. A recent attempt to arm the Syrian rebels with iOS7 sadly failed, however. He emphatically declined to assist the Islamic Caliphate in creating viral and engaging content, however.

At the personal invitation of Kim Jong Un, he is a strategic consultant on the Nextification of North Korea . Steve wants to pivot the BBC into the 22nd Century, blue-skying its hugely successful Digital Media Initiative, and advises the UK Government on icon design and the new National Curriculum. He favours Small Government but Large Catapults, the Soft Power of Tiny Coding Fingers, and wants more taxpayers to engage in Ambient Crowdsourcing.

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