This article is more than 1 year old
BOFH: The ONE-NINE uptime solution
Yes, 9%. AAAND the server just crashed... literally
When we said cloudy solution, we didn't mean piss-poor...
I've tried to track the server location but a traceroute has a stack overflow before it ever gets near a host which looks like it could be legit. Sure, it might be some multihomed dynamic service but I've got 5 quid on it being a coal-powered 386 running in the craphouse of a minicab office in Cairo.
On the plus side though, if I ever kidnap someone I know how I'm going to be anonymising my ransom calls.
"I think you'll find that I didn't say that it'd never happen. In fact I think I said I'd put 50 quid on you begging me to bring our old server back within 2 months. So that's 50 quid you owe me."
"I'm not asking for it back and I'm not paying you 50 quid."
"Fair enough - I've found the best time to call them is sometime after 10:18pm our time. No idea what it is their time - wherever they are, but that's usually when they answer the call."
"I think YOU should call them." he says.
"Oh we are," I say. "I put a call through to them every morning. That's what the music in the background of the office is. And like I say, they generally answer at 10:18pm."
"What did they say?"
"How would I know - it's 10:18pm. I just know when they answer from the phone logs."
"So you've not logged a fault?"
"I would if I could get hold of them."
"Can you email them?"
"There's no email address on their website, just a page which gives you their phone numbers. In fact the ONLY email contact I think we've ever had with them was whoever signed us up for the service."
The Boss looks away guiltily. "So CAN we get the old server up and running?"
"Fifty Quid." I say.
"I'm just asking if it's POSSIBLE, not asking you to do it."
I remain silent and the Boss wanders off. 10 minutes later he returns with freshly dispensed 50 quid note.
"No." I reply.
"Well I'll have my 50 quid back then!"
"I'm sorry; your total credit is now zero."
"The bet was that you'd come wanting the server back. I rest my case."
"Ah, but as you said, I didn't BEG!"
"What's that?" the Director of IT says, entering Mission Control.
"Oh he paid me 50 quid to make him beg."
"I DID NOT!"
"Look, as I said to Schrodinger - what happens in the cat box stays in the cat box."
"?" the Boss and Director wonder silently.
"It's a quantum thing - and I can't explain it to you as you might get entangled."
"?"
"Playing here all week ladies and gentleman. Was there anything else?"
"We need the mail back online."
"We can't use the old server as it crashed shortly after we changed over?"
"Can't we get new disks?"
"No I mean crashed - as in into the footpath from the 6th floor - because I knew you'd try and resurrect it."
"Look, we're getting a lot of pressure from above!" the Director blurts, attempting sternness.
"You mean like degenerative matter?" I ask.
"?"
"Don't forget to pick up my DVD at the door," I chirp. "Look, how do you want to do this: the easy way or the hard way?"
"Uh... the EASY way" the Boss and Director concur.
"Find the budget and replace the servers. Look, here's a purchase order I prepared earlier - the quotes are still valid and I asked them to put the kit on hold. TOTAL, probably 15K, including licenses."
"Uh, what was the hard way?"
"We pick another vendor from undeliverables anonymous and shift our mail to them for another couple of months, and then one of you has the misfortune to visit a building site with me on the night before they pour the foundation concrete while the other one receives cryptically untraceable VoIP calls for the ransom money of $15K."
"I... who..."
"It's a coin toss," I reply, pushing the purchase order over to them.
Clarity. Focus. That's all we need.
Biting the hand that feeds IT
