HERE COMES APPLE with some new sh*t or something

Please Jesus don't make me do this

LiveBlurt Holy Crap! It's Apple hypegasm launch day again, and here's your fabulous soaraway Reg with continually updating hot live news-a-like barrelscrape content of some sort delivered via our proprietary LiveBlurt technology to tide you over until the fruitcast actually begins. We're unbelievably excited about this and we know you are too! Yow!

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 17:00 GMT +++ Well thank holy Jesus and f*cking god for that. I was about three seconds from putting my eyes out with one of these broken vodka bottles, there. Alright people, this is Vulture Central signing off and handing over to our great, great - just really great - colleagues in the San Francisco office. So buckle up, cos the fruity rollercoaster goes down the slide into the jism-flume in just one hour.

Alright Mr editor f*ck I'm done and you can f*cking whistle if you want someone to wear the vulture suit at the next CeBIT, I've paid my f*cking dues. Laterz, haterz.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 16:49 GMT +++ Ohh Godddd will this torment never end. It's like the f*cking clock's broken in here

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 16:46 GMT +++ Maybe Tim Cook will fall over on stage or something, top-level tech watchers here in the office are speculating. Possibly due to struggling with the weight of the new MaxiPad, or maybe he'll have had a couple of sharpeners before going on, you know. Take the edge off. Hmm. Sharpener. Something niggling

+++ TOP SECRET REG STAFF BOOZER, JUST OUTSIDE VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 16:38 GMT +++ Get in! Home straight now. Just another 20 minutes until the tie-dye mob in Frisco can take over this bucket of b*ll*cks. Mmmm, just time for a couple of treble liveners before it's back to the office to hand over.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 16:08 GMT +++ I've been authorised to reveal exclusively that there will, by popular demand, be a Register Channel 5 newsreader hotness poll this weekend - to determine the saucy news hottie of yesteryear deemed most worthy to strut the studio clutching a new, enlarged iPad. Should one be announced shortly, that is. We'll obviously have the poll even if that doesn't happen, in the interest of journalistic integrity.

Ha - take that, Re/code, you sanctimonious f*cks

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 15:55 GMT +++ Man, the readers are right. That Isla Traquair was hot. [Newly arrived readers should be aware that Ms Traquair, in her former incarnation as a saucy walking-around-in-high-heels-and-a-short-dress-with-a-tablet Channel 5 news minx, would be a presumable target user for the new MaxiPad iPad Pro Beats Air. See our reader poll below. -Ed]

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 15:36 GMT +++ OK maybe not my best day on the job. Dishevelled parkbench industry analyst wino clutching empty Buckfast tonic wine bottle has just regurgitated his semi-digested contents all over my shoes - and that kind of set me off all over his shoes.

Man, there's a lot of regurgitation of semi-digested content when you're doing this sort of coverage, that's for sure.

+++ BLOOMSBURY SQUARE GARDENS, LONDON UK, 15:21 +++ Bit of fresh air, cup of coffee and it's back to our industry analyst for a new take on the afternoon's non-developments so far.

Our man on the park bench is looking a bit dishevelled and seems to have almost finished his bottle of Buckfast tonic wine: but he's got plenty to say.

"Haterz gonna hate, man," he tells us. "I get it, you don't like Apple, ha ha. I pity ya, fool. But the truth is, this is the biggest Apple launch in the whole history of humanity. There hasn't been a more important product launch since, sh*t, the Pyramids. Or some sh*t like that. Wheel maybe. Nuclear bomb. You think you understand the paradigm, you don't understand sh*t. Tim Cook gonna stomp your sorry paradigm into a splat of friggin paradigm paste, c*cksucker, and he's gonna scrape it off his friggin Tim Cook boots and your gonna have to eat your friggin paradigm. Onna f*cking Triscuit. Yeah - howd'ya like them Apples. (Har! Apples)"

Oh god. Don't feel so good. Feel like I've had too much Tim Cook bootlick paradigm paste.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 14:54 GMT +++ Mmmm. Little drinky eases pain of humiliation and professional ridicule a bit. Nothing wrong with lick Tim Cook's boots for living. Nice clean boots. Man has standards. Lot worse boots out there in this bizness need licking, baby, I tell you. Only have to do once a year. Wouldn't have to this year if I'd had sense god gave a potato and done those CeBIT voxpops in the vulture suit. Note to self: it can always be worse.

Friggin editor. Man got no shame

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 14:43 GMT +++ Christ. Still 2 hours plus 'til the Yanks take over. And all they have to do then is watch the bleeding video. F*ckers. I'm sat here trying to pull insights out my f*cking arse while they're poncing about in San Francisco drinking demi-caf lattucinos and playing their nose-flute compilation discs.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 14:26 GMT +++ I. Am. Doing. It.

Jesus my eyes are starting to bleed here

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 14:17 GMT +++ TBH I think that guy may have just been another wino, not an industry analyst. Hard to tell. Mmmm, vodka.

+++ BLOOMSBURY SQUARE GARDENS, LONDON UK, 14:13 +++ Frigging analysts' phones all engaged. But its alright, I found a new guy on the park bench here. Must be dress down long lunch Wednesday in the analyst houses. Didn't want to give me his angle at first, tried to get my vodka - ha! good luck - but a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine closed the deal.

"Whatever they unveil today will sell millions of units, and Apple will continue to be the only truly profitable smartphone manufacturer," says my new guy. He kind of lost the thread after that but you know what's in the top corner of his quadrant, if you get my drift.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 13:52 GMT +++ Meanwhile our exclusive Reg reader poll is so far suggesting that far and away the strongest reaction to the new iPhones (6S and 6S+? Maybe) is "I demand a separate poll on Channel 5 newsreaders and their relative hotness". OK, that makes as much sense as anything else out there. More, really.

It's also pretty clear as really any fool could have foretold that the iPad Pro Beats - or whatever the f*ck it's called in fruitville - will actually be known in the real world as the MaxiPad.

Check it:

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+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 13:40 GMT +++ Calm down, I'm bloody thinking. I'm on it! Christ. I'll phone some analysts or some sh*t like that.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 13:32 GMT +++ Alright Fry. You win this round. B*ll*cks. Classic stonewall tactics.

+++ GARRICK STREET, LONDON UK, 13:30 GMT +++ F*cksake. Fry's not talking. Smug bastard. What's he hiding? Eh? Never trusted him. Eyes too close together. Shifty.

See what I mean:

Yeah, right, Fryboy, and the rest. Wheres the free Apple samples, eh? F*cker.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 13:11 GMT +++ Mmmm. Vodka. Right let's get this sh*t cookin'. It's time for Stephen Fry.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 13:06 GMT +++ TBH I think that guy may have just been a wino, not a keen fanboi. Hard to tell.

+++ REGENT STREET, LONDON UK, 12:42 GMT +++ OK that could have gone better. First guy in the queue outside the Apple Shop here on London's glamorous Regent Street has just vomited all over my shoes and passed out. Didn't get any really definitive reactions on the new Apple kit from him, though he did say he was my best mate after I let him have a go on my vodka.

+++ REGENT STREET, LONDON UK, 12:32 GMT +++ FFS. They're not bloody selling the stuff today, they're just announcing it. F*ck. So listen, if you were thinking of heading down to the Apple Shop to queue up, don't bother. Hey wait actually there IS a bloke here who looks like he's settling in next to the door - I'll get his reaction.

+++ REGENT STREET, LONDON UK, 12:25 GMT +++ Amazingly there is totally no queue at all here outside the Apple Shop. I'm going to interview some staff. Ha! #peakapple

+++ GRAYS INN ROAD, LONDON UK, 12:19 GMT +++ Mmmm. Vodka.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 12:09 GMT +++ Jesus. Alright then. Erm, excitement is pretty much certain to be building on Twitter ahead of the Apple launch tonight. I suggest you go and look on that for a bit. I'm going to go and look at the queue outside the Apple shop, and maybe pick up a bottle of vodka while I'm out.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 11:52 GMT +++ Sh*t. F*ck it.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 11:46 GMT +++ Squawk. Squawk. I'm Reg the Vulture! Come on.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 11:33 GMT +++ Come on chief. Why don't you make Kelly do it. She loves Twitter and that. I'll do anything you want. I'll do vidcast vox-pops at CeBIT, dressed in the vulture suit like you wanted last year.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL, LONDON UK, 10:53 GMT +++ Please don't make me do this, boss. I'm begging you.

There'll be more seatcushion-melting Apple launch news any minute! Keep clicking refresh! ®

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