RFID wants to TRACK my TODGER, so I am going to CUT it OFF

Tech tagging horror 'n' itchy collars

The label rebellion begins

Surely the next step is for an encapsulated RFID chip to be inserted somehow into the sewn-in fabric labels so that the observation can continue long-term.

Following my smartphone and my shopping is one thing (well, two things) but a tracker hidden in an innocuous label could keep tabs on my movements – quite literally – between washes.

Thanks to the glorious new world of tech disruption, in the very near future The Powers That Be will at all times be able to check that I am appropriately dressed as I walk around town.

Indeed, I expect to be able to follow the relative arrangement of the contents of my underwear too; an RFID chip with accelerometer tracking my own todger placement and displaying it to me on my smartphone in a Find My Special Friend app. Real-time updates will keep me informed as to whether it is slung to the left as usual or has made a sudden turn to the right.

Of course, this isn’t going to happen if I keep hacking off the labels with scissors. So I’m hoping this might encourage the rag trade to develop label fabric that doesn’t slice and scrape and scratch and chafe and pull out the hairs at the back of my neck.

You want to track my todger? Tag my nuts? The ball’s in your court. In the food court, probably.

In the meantime, I declare the label rebellion open. Death to clothing tags! Throw off your shackles! Strip away the bonds!

Get naked! ®

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Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing. Thanks to his obsession with removing labels from new purchases as soon as he has taken them home, sorting out the clothes after a wash is fraught with error. It is not uncommon for his wife’s clothes to get mixed up in his drawer by mistake. Or perhaps he bought it for a birthday present, constable, honest.