¡Bong! I have been dismayed but not surprised to hear complaints that the movie by my friend Danny Boyle misrepresents the life of Steve Jobs, and contains numerous factual inaccuracies. Following our highly successful partnership on the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony, Danny and I worked closely developing the movie. Indeed, at one stage BongVentures was a major investor in the project.
Unfortunately, owing to irreconcilable artistic differences we eventually went our separate ways. I can however offer readers some exclusive extracts of the original script from that time - back when the movie showed some real promise.
EXT. NIGHT. A FOREST.
A VW Beetle is parked in a clearing beside a felt yurt. Inside, a candle glows
INT. YURTA couple recline after sexual intercourse. Imagine by John Lennon is playing on a portable cassette recorder.
Thank you for taking me all the way!
And thank you for taking me to the font seminar today, honey.
Who knew letters could be so fascinating?
STEVE JOBS gazes thoughtfully and intently into the distance, stroking his beard between his fingers.
I never did remember her name.
But that night, something historically stupendous was conceived here.
SFX: A glowing orb of light rises vertically from the bed, through the fabric of the yurt, the camera tracking it as it ascends to join thousands of stars in the night sky. It appears to twinkle, once.
NIGHT FADES TO:
INT. A CALIFORNIAN HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM c.1977 DAY
Bunting and streamers are tacked amateurishly around the school's gym. Camera pans to reveal rows of empty seats, resting on an elaborate “Apple” logo of Sir Isaac Newton sitting under an ancient apple tree twisting joss sticks into a CND peace symbol. JOBS is on stage, repeating a series of lines.
… and one more thing. Only the Apple ][ has an enormous
two kilobytes of RAM and the proprietary high speed
Apple Jagwyre bus. And only the Apple ][ has proprietary
Apple RAM, and an enormous Jagwyre.
Only the... MOTHER FUCKER WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?
A large hairy man in a one piece felt jumpsuit WOZNIAK is lying on the school stage loading marijuana leaves into a Caveman Crunch whistle. JOBS over walks to WOZNIAK
JOBS kicks WOZNIAK
Through the glass doors of the gym, looking out, we see a mother BAEZ and her small child, THE INFANT STEVE BONG. THE INFANT BONG’s nose is pressed up sadly against the glass. They enter.
THE INFANT BONG
Daddy, why won’t you ever ever see me?
Because I’m not your Daddy
You are, can’t you see? He takes after you in every way.
That’s why I called him after you: Steve.
And one day I’ll prove it.
Goddamn leave me alone, I am igniting the personal computer revolution
On a wobbly trestle table, a black and white TV is playing a compilation of footage of Richard Nixon’s resignation.
WALTER CRONKITE (on TV)
This opens the door on another chapter of history
WOZNIAK fiddles with cables on the back disabling the TV broadcast.
Steve you might want to plug the computer into the TV before the presentation starts
A green CP/M command prompt appears on the TV screen
THE INFANT BONG
Daddy why no pictures?
I want to paint!
Can computer paint?
For the last time I’m not your Dadd--
JOBS breaks off mid-sentence, and gazes thoughtfully and intently into the distance, stroking his (shorter) beard between his fingers.
INT. BACKSTAGE FLINT CENTER
The theatre is deserted. A square objects sits centre stage, enclosed in a linen bag. A barefoot FIGURE adopts the Lotus Position barefoot on stage, beside the mysterious object.
O/H RADIO (Ronald Reagan)
Wakey-wakey, America! It’s morning! Again!
And today I’m going to bomb Russia.
Music fades in: Flashdance...What a Feeling by IRENE CARA
It is JOBS, now beardless.
From side stage, an adolescent boy, THE ADOLESCENT BONG, his face covered in acne, watches his father warily.
JOBS sees the boy, and with a wink, beckons him over.
You won’t believe this. I’ve made a computer that paints. Just for you.
The boy beams contentedly.
And another thing. I built in a hidden message for you. To show you how much I love you, son, even though I never ever see you or your goddamn awful mother. Listen.
JOBS flips a switch under the object.
It booms a loud “Bong”
The boys face splits open in a beam of pure joy. Father and son exchange a knowing smile, for the first time.
And you’ll love this. This is the best bit. Wait...
JOBS whips the linen bag off the object, revealing an oblong computer, its display integrated into the body. It is a MACINTOSH COMPUTER
It sure is good to be out of that motherfucking bag.
JOBS (Screaming, to no one in particular) You’re all fired!!
Steve Bong (official title: Lord Bong of #businessmodel) is the founder of Bong Ventures, an early stage investor and incubator focusing on innovative new technology startups based in Shoreditch, London. When he's not helping rear the next generation of business models, Steve enjoys parties and foreign travel, extreme cuisine, Open Data and draws his inspiration from Ayn Rand and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. He advised (then hired) No.10 policy guru Rohan Silva on mindfulness and innovation, Lily Cole on innovation in giving, Mark Zuckerberg on the Perfect IPO, the Republic of Kazakhstan on emergent social media strategies, LOCOG on brand enforcement, and imagineered the Olympic Opening Ceremony with Danny Boyle, Shoreditch's #guardian coffee coffee shop with Jemima Kiss, and was the social media consultant for Edward Snowden and Lady Thatcher’s Funeral. A recent attempt to arm the Syrian rebels with iOS7 sadly failed, however. He emphatically declined to assist the Islamic Caliphate in creating viral and engaging content. He recently resigned from GDS and weathered a storm of factually inaccurate reporting about Bong LLC's office culture, and is currently designing MINSOCK (the Ministry of Socks) for Britain's next Prime Minister, Jeremy Corbyn.