Get an Apple Watch or die warns Tim Cook

When salesmanship gets out of hand


After hyping his first new product as Apple CEO to death, it appears Tim Cook is feeling the pressure to make the Apple Watch a success.

Sadly, that has not been the case and the expensive and not terribly useful wristwatch is expected to have sold just seven million units in its first year, against expectations of 30 million sales.

Not to be outdone, Our Cooky has hit the road in an effort to drum up interest, telling everyone that will listen about this tremendous product. That doesn't seem to have worked so he has turned up the pressure by warning people that if you don't get one you may die.

That's right, according to an interview with the Daily Telegraph this week, Timmy has personal knowledge of a college football player for whom the Apple Watch proved to be a literal life-saver.

Quizzed about the weak sales of the watch, he said that "things are going well" and started to pitch the value of its sensor and monitors. He then told the story of one lucky user: "He is a football player, a senior in high school. He learned from his watch that his heart rate was elevated; he mentioned it to his trainer who became very worried about it. He sent him to the doctor and the doctor told him he would have died the following day had he not come in. Basically his organs were shutting down."

When's the movie coming out?

Apple Watch saves future star player! Could you write a better story of American success? It has everything: technology, sports, a young, vibrant hero and the near-tragic but ultimately glorious sporting success. And it fits in neatly with Apple's big effort to break into the health market with overpriced consumer goods.

What a shame that Cook isn't for some reason able to name this young man. And that is almost definitely not because the story is utter balls.

It is in fact entirely reasonable that a college football player only noticed his elevated heart rate thanks to his Apple Watch, and that the elevated heart rate indicated failing internal organs, and that no one had noticed anything wrong until he went to the doctor thanks to the Apple Watch. An Apple that day did not keep the doctor away. But my god was that a good thing.

This is an entirely believable story because it is the sort of thing that happens all the time. Or it will now that we have $600 heart monitors that strap to your wrist. Yes, it may cost six times a normal heart rate monitor but it is also six times smaller and it provides your email in a really tiny box.

So thank you Tim Cook for keeping one more American happy and alive. How can we thank you? What's that? Buy an Apple Watch for Xmas. For you, Tim, anything. ®

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