German ex-pat jailed for smearing own pat all over Cork apartment

Former Apple worker stored three months worth of own, er, waste

An ex-pat German Apple worker who stored three month’s worth of his own excrement and urine in his luxury apartment has been given a year's worth of porridge by an Irish court.

Robert Kummer, 37, sparked a major public health scare after Gardai initially visited the apartment following a neighbour’s complaints about a foul smell emanating from his Cork pad, the Irish Independent reports.

Fire fighters were called, and were forced to don breathing apparatus just to examine the apartment. They found hundreds of bags of crap as well as bottles of urine. Waste was also smeared on the walls, ceilings and floors, and had seeped through the floor.

According to the Irish Independent, the court was told the mass of human mess had initially prompted police to believe “something untoward had happened.” However, it soon became clear that this was just a case of criminal damage, albeit of a highly scatalogical variety.

The court was also told that Kummer had given no indication to the outside world exactly what he’d been getting up to in his flat, taking his clothes to a local laundry and showering at work. A psychiatrist told the court that Kummer’s mother had been diagnosed with a serious illness and he speculated the German man might have been suffering from depressive episodes.

Kummer had been given time to compensate the landlord to the tune of €15,000 but so far had only come up with €800. The judge described the case as "extraordinary" and "bizarre", and jailed Kummer for 12 months.

The one part of the apartment Kummer will not presumably be liable for was the toilet, which was found to be in perfect working order.

Kummer was unfortunate not to have been living north of the Border. An Ulsterman convicted of arson and endangering the lives of others by using an electric heater to turn his own poo into gold was handed a mere three months back in 2011.

Then again, as an Apple veteran, Kummer presumably knows the secret of really turning crap into gold already. ®

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