So why exactly are IT investors so utterly clueless?

I wash my hands of the whole matter

Bummer man

If you’re all going to be that daft, prospective investors, I may as well get in on the act too.

Allow me to use this opportunity to announce my new £500,000 crowdfunded dev project, a smartphone app that shows you how to wipe your own arse.

Here’s the counterfeit pitch.

Need to buff your cheeks without the uncertainty? Can’t sort out the hype from the swipe? Do you always end up holding the shitty stick?

Well, put an end to misery at your end with RsWyp, the app that reaches the parts no other app can (or would want to).

This cheekily design app provides best practice advice on being deft with your cleft, pointing out common user errors such as horizontal swiping and applying too much sustain to the movement.

It also provides a (fully animated!) list of recommended materials for cleaning one’s arse, such as “toilet paper”, sheets of genuine Chinese silk or a box of kittens, while advising against poor-quality materials, such as sandpaper, velcro or your line manager’s face.

Each detailed VR demonstration links to videos from the highly acclaimed TEDx series Shitting With Confidence, and the app’s unique spatial capture system allows you to download your arse to a variety of popular 3D printers.

Don’t suffer the bum-rush of a sticky situation! Let RsWyp take the strain!

I’m hoping RsWyp will clean up at next year’s Europas.

Youtube Video

Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing. Back in his snowboarding magazine days, a freeriding Australian colleague claimed that he only had to utter the word “bottoms” to make an Englishman snigger. We suspect he may be onto something...