Germany’s premier tabloid Bild has vowed to fulfil a series of promises if the Brits vote to remain in the EU, chief among them admitting Geoff Hurst’s disputed 1966 World Cup goal was over the line.
With tongue firmly in cheek, the national daily swing into action today to convince any stragglers - using the country’s renowned wit - that the people of Blighty are all better off sticking together.
“Dear Britons, if you stay in the EU, we will recognise the Wembley goal!” the paper stated.
Of course, goal line technology has already proved this beyond doubt, but it will be nice if our Kraut cousins finally acknowledge that once in our history, the English did beat them at the sport of "chav" kings.
Continuing with the same theme, the paper said the next time faces England in a penalty shoot-out, it will do so without a goalie, but El Reg suspects our lads would still manage to screw it up.
The paper, on behalf of the German nation, also pledged to to forgo “sunscreen” at the beach in “solidarity with your sunburns”, and to “reserve” hotel loungers in the mornings “with our towels”.
Mixing the football theme with another British obsession, the Royals, Bild said it would send Germany coach Joachim Low - the man that scratched his chaps and then sniffed his hand while stood on the touchline during a recent televised match - to “guard your crown jewels”.
The fine nation of Germany will also stop making fun of Prince Charles’ lugholes, and will celebrate the Queen’s 100th birthday - isn’t her family from that part of the world anyway? Yes.
The local time zone will be realigned to GMT and BST, Germany will voluntarily provide the baddie for every James Bond film, and it will introduce an EU directive banning foam on beer.
If only the Germans had stepped up to the mark earlier. Perhaps even Boris and Nigel would have switched sides earlier in the process. ®